Birdsong Farm

Stonyfield Farm began with seven cows in a leaky barn. Now it’s the world’s leading organic yogurt. I sit with a cup of Stonyfield every morning and dream of having my own farm. A farm that offers something for kids whose lives have been impacted by foster care – a dynamic and supportive place to come and learn in nature’s finest classrooms as well as in barns, riding rings, organic gardens, farm stands, harvest kitchens and open air farmer’s markets. Birdsong Farm is designed to be a year-round education center. It will offer programs both on and off the farm. Some of its finest teachers will be animals and plants.

I have always been drawn to farms. My grandparents were farmers. My mom grew up on a ranch in northern California. One of my earliest childhood memories is of me riding with my mom, sitting snug in the saddle with her arms wrapped around me as we traveled on horseback around my uncle’s ranch. My sister and I talk about what it means to return to our family roots as this stage of our lives. This time our family will be farming with a mission to restore the health and well-being of our nation’s most vulnerable children.

As a country we need to look at where kids who age out of foster care typically end up. Then we need to dedicate ourselves to creating a new set of statistics. Instead of outcomes that include homeless shelters, mental health facilities, prisons and unemployment lines, let’s envision young adults who are productive citizens, engaged in family and community life. Let’s move children out of foster care and into life long families and surround them with caring neighbors who invest in their lives (the Treehouse Community model). Let’s make sure they are connected to their sisters and brothers (the Sibling Connections model). Let’s improve their educational experiences.

Educational outcomes for children who experience foster care in this country are dismal. This is primarily due to the trauma of being removed from their homes and families, trying to deal with the loss and grief associated with that removal and/or the neglect and abuse they may have suffered. In addition, they have to make friends with two very stressful realities that come with being in the public foster care system: multiple moves to new foster homes and frequently being placed in new school settings. Such complex life situations often make succeeding in a typical school setting extremely difficult.

It’s time to respect the social, emotional and educational needs of 800,000 young Americans. It’s time to invest in innovative year-round approaches that are full of positive learning experiences designed to build core competencies and solid community connections. It’s time to thoughtfully design interactive educational programs that build confidence and skills so that kids will stay in school and avoid aging out of the foster care system without a place to live, a job, the consistent support of a caring adult or a high school diploma. We all know the outcomes for young people who drop out of school. We need to invest in new pilot models like Birdsong Farm to help our kids spiral up and out of school – away from a life of poverty.

My daughter and I lie in bed at night talking about Birdsong Farm. She draws pictures of the Birdsong Farm horse barn and the riding ring where trusting relationships will be developed between kids and their horses while they groom, ride and spend time with friends and teachers. Those experiences will be woven into math, science, language arts and social studies curriculum. She paints pictures of horses to put up in the Barn office. Pictures that will be hung alongside her poetry, stories and photos of favorite horse friends – Chloe, Dutchess, Ilando, Passion and Buttercup.

While my daughter envisions her life on a farm, I read information about raising chickens and goats, East Coast Assistance Dogs, organic gardening practices, innovation in education, and Green Chimneys in Brewster, New York. Dr. Sam Ross, founder of Green Chimneys inspired me when I was a young teacher. He continues to energize me today as we converse about the best practices Green Chimneys has developed over the past 61 years while serving vulnerable students in New York. Their animal-assisted programs are outstanding. I am profoundly grateful for his honestly and sage advice. While we talk I look for land and talk to philanthropists and potential partners about what is needed to develop, launch, evaluate and sustain the Birdsong Farm model. My experiences with the Treehouse and Sibling Connections Teams have helped guide me in this process. I am eager to add another new choice to the Menu of Engagement Options, one that helps better serve the educational needs of our kids experiencing foster care. With hope and enthusiasm the Birdsong Farm Team will work to bring Birdsong Farm a reality. Please join us!

Mission Possible

When I first became a foster parent I was focused on supporting a few children in my home. After meeting hundreds of young people who had been placed in foster care I began asking myself, “What does it mean for us as a country when 25,000 young Americans leave the foster care system at the age of 18 every year without a place to live, a job, the consistent support of a caring adult or a high school diploma?” You know, you just can’t ask yourself that question and then walk away…

I began looking for solutions. When I couldn’t find them I started envisioning them. As a teacher I’m interested in a variety of approaches and options – a menu of exciting new community-based programs that address the needs of our most vulnerable young people appeals to me: the need for a stable and loving family, life-long family connections, healthy relationships, a good education, to be productive citizens, and experience a life well-lived. I want to invite people in to be part of the solution. I know from being a foster parent that our state agencies need folks to help out. Their mandate is child safety. I think we all know that the kids need us to chip in. So I like to consider how citizen-led change can enhance the child welfare landscape.

Ten years ago I envisioned an intergenerational community where families adopting children from foster care live with elders in a vibrant neighborhood setting. I named it Treehouse and, thanks to the generosity and expertise of a myriad of Treehouse funders and partners, we opened our first Treehouse Community in June 2006. Since then Treehouse has been home to over 100 people, ranging in age from 4 – 90, who are building caring relationships across the generations. It’s a very inspiring place.

A short time after I found the land for Treehouse I got a call from my daughter’s pre-school teacher letting me know that she had a raging fever. I raced over to school and picked her up. When we got home she fell asleep in my lap. Not wanting to disturb her, I turned on the TV and watched Oprah. That day Camp To Belong founder, Lynn Price, received one of Oprah’s Use Your Life Awards. Lynn, a former youth in foster care, created a great camp where sisters and brothers who have been separated when placed in foster care come together for a week to create joyous shared memories.

Before I became a full time child advocate for children who experience foster care I was a teacher, a mom, and the owner of two specialty toy stores. I care about the well-being of children and families in my community. Keeping our daughter connected to her five siblings is a top priority. As I watched Oprah hand Lynn Price a check for $50,000.00 on national television, I realized that what we do for our daughter needs to be offered to siblings nationwide.

I called Lynn up and asked her if I could bring Camp To Belong to sisters and brothers in Massachusetts. She said, “Yes!” and we launched Camp To Belong MA in 2005. As the campers were getting on the bus to head home after that first season I started planning a year-round sibling connection initiative in order to make sure kids have the opportunity to create the kind of sibling bonds that would last a lifetime.

In the fall of 2005 I started a pilot program called Sibling Sunday and invited a group of sisters and brothers who had attended camp to join our CTB MA Program Director and a group of volunteer CTB MA counselors on the first Sunday of every month. Thanks to an innovative non-profit called Sibling Connections, Sibling Sunday programs are now offered monthly in both eastern and western MA.

These days I’m working hard with the Treehouse and Sibling Connections Teams to evaluate and sustain what we have begun. I’m also visualizing Birdsong Farm Education Center, a year-round learning community where students whose lives have been impacted by foster care are valued learners. Birdsong Farm is a place where kids with foster care histories belong. It’s an educational village where the focus is on thriving – a learning environment where kids who may struggle in conventional school settings are surrounded by a cadre of trauma informed teachers who might be farmers, gardeners, equestrians, dog trainers, outdoor educators, volunteers or social workers.

Birdsong Farm’s year-round programs will be offered in safe, hands-on learning environments that encourage students to explore, discover and develop an array of skills that support successful school, life and work experiences. I am inspired by Green Chimneys in Brewster, New York and enjoy talking with Green Chimneys founder, Dr. Sam Ross about his 61 year journey. Currently I am looking for land. I can’t wait to begin collaborating with another outstanding team of funders, partners and staff. My favorite thing in the world is creating powerful partnerships with leading edge thinkers and philanthropists.

Here’s to a year of fantastic partnerships. To generous philanthropists. To forward movement. Here’s to growth and development for the Treehouse Community, Sibling Connections and Birdsong Farm. May we all come together to do the right thing for kids in our own backyards. May we believe that our mission is possible.

Happy New Year

Winter Poems

On the eighth night of Hanukkah my fifth grader said to me, “Mom, will you record my poems?” It must have been the softness of the light from the three menorahs and twenty seven flickering candles. Peace always emanates from their light and invites us to push the pause button. My youngest put pen to paper with a smile on her face. She wrote, I drank in the moment, and our dog watched from his place on the floor between us.

Wild Horses

Horses playing.
Bucking and running
like light on the sun.

Day and night being alert.
Storming like rain over rivers
around lakes
through flat lands
and hills
for all to see.

Home at last.
Stopping and waiting for the world to take them on their next adventure.

Christmas

Coming down the stairs
fast as can be.
Looking at all the toys
and feeling joy.
The stockings are filled to the brim.
Ripping open all the presents.
Mom says, “You are lucky, little one!”

Snow

Fluttering down
It looks like powdered sugar
Crunch
Crunch
The snow is talking loud.
Snowflakes of different shapes and sizes.
They are special and different.
Just like us.

Margie’s Barn

Sarah teaching.
Me learning.
Learning for the joy of it.

Kids having fun.
People watching.
Horses rolling on the ground with legs kicking high, snorting.

Big boys stomping.
Looking like hippos
Lying like big lumps
on the snow covered ground.

Brady

Small and thin
Short and stubby
Soft fluffy Corgi.

He jumps thru the snow at the speed of light.
It’s like seeing him move but there’s no him.
He’s cute as can be.
My puppy.

Santa Claus

Big and fat
Cheeks like bright red paint.
Gets all the toys and goes through
the moon like a shimmer in a dream.

All you hear is,
“Ho! Ho! Ho!
Merry Christmas!”
Oh, he already came.
Go to bed little one.

Snow Days

Snow falling softly all night long in New England typically means there is no school the following morning. Teachers, kids and their families have a Snow Day.

I remember moving from California in the 1970s to teach in a school in the Boston suburbs. I was a twentysomething teacher who had never lived through a snowy winter. Recess for me growing up in the Bay Area meant throwing on a light sweater or a corduroy coat and heading outside to play. When I was six we had a light dusting of snow at our house and my mom went outside with a spoon, collected a bowl of snow and made “snow ice cream”. I had never made a snowperson, been on ice skates, or sat on a sled. I didn’t have a clue that part of my teaching duties would include helping my class full of 4-6 year olds deal with snowsuits, mittens, hats, gloves and boots before and after their outside play time!

“I remember hearing something about a February Vacation and wondering, “What is that?” It seemed a bit excessive and certainly meant that the school year lasted longer… All it took was one season for me to completely embrace the concept of a winter vacation where you could escape from the cold weather and stand up straight. I hadn’t quite gotten the hang of layering yet – a concept I have perfected over the years. Now I don’t care how pudgy I look. Forget fashion. All I care about is warmth.

Then there were Snow Days. Days off from school during the week when a snow storm prevented safe travel. My first year of teaching, whenever there was a Snow Day I headed over to the inner courtyard of the Boston Public Library to watch snowflakes fall silently, creating a soft white blanket of untouched snow. That was pure magic. It was so peaceful – my first experience of being surrounded by a deep silence that is full of well-being.

When we moved from Back Bay to Concord, I had the pleasure of being woken up on Snow Days to the sound of a fog horn. In those days, the town of Concord sounded one type of horn to let residents know when someone escaped from the Concord Prison. Then they sounded a distinctive Snow Day horn to let folks know when school was closed. Those of us who worked in the Concord schools could simply roll over and go back to sleep… If you had no children, no dogs, and no other major responsibilities it was heaven on earth.

A Snow Day was literally a free day inserted into the middle of the week thanks to Mother Nature. We spent the day reading, baking, making snow people, sledding, and walking around town visiting friends, neighbors and our favorite stores. Sometimes we took our sleds along so we could pull our purchases home.

This past Saturday night there were a couple of inches of fresh snow on the ground. B and her little sister asked to go out into the backyard with the dog and play. We turned on the lights as they bundled up in snow garb and prepared to head out. Their favorite neighbor came over and joined them. For two hours they played. Laughter floated into the house as they built a snow fort, played on the backyard slide, and went sledding down gentle slopes before coming in for cups of hot chocolate. We were thrilled about the unexpected gift. There were smiles all around: happy kids, happy dog, happy parents.

Today we are experiencing a winter storm. Schools in western Massachusetts are closed. Kids at Treehouse are outside sculpting snow people, snow creatures and snow forts. Some families are using kick sleds to travel across the meadow. There are four pots of delicious soup in the fridge from Monday night’s Soup Tasting. Perhaps some community members will come together and share a tasty lunch. Maybe there will be a Hot Chocolate Party. Tea pots and mugs are standing at the ready. There are art supplies in the Community Center closet and the Game Library is fully stocked with board games. There are movies to be watched and the library is full of books to be read.

Happy Snow Day Everyone!

Jingle Bells

This beautiful photo of Jesse, Evelyn and their captivating Christmas tree transports me back to December 1980. Jesse was one month old and we were celebrating our first holiday season as a family. We were two excited parents eager to start creating some traditions of our own – traditions that honored our dual heritage and felt kid friendly.

The first thing we did was go out and search for a menorah that would be the centerpiece of our family Hanukkah celebrations. We found a beautiful handmade menorah at Kolbo in Brookline, MA. I just polished it for this Friday night’s Hanukkah fiesta. It will bring joy to our 10 year old and her little sister just like it delighted Jesse and Jenna as they were growing up. We have photos of all the kids with our Kolbo menorah and the collection of smaller menorahs that we’ve accumulated to add more light to the eight night Hanukkah experience. In each one the kids look relaxed and radiant.

Christmas also makes us happy. Our Christmas traditions have evolved over the past twenty nine years too but they always seem to include opening presents in front of the fireplace, making fresh squeezed orange juice, listening to great music, and eating a tasty brunch. When I owned my toy stores, I always spent Christmas Day in my robe and slippers. When guests arrived for dinner they were greeted by a woman in her pajamas with a huge smile on her face.

This year our tree will go up after Hanukkah. We will bring out the ornament boxes and sift through our collection of hand picked options. We’ll choose which ones we’ll hang up while the Roche sisters sing Christmas carols and freshly baked cookies are placed in tins to deliver to our friends and neighbors. Someone just gave us a recipe for cookies that horses with Cushings disease can eat. I think we’ll test that recipe for Chloe and Corey over at the barn.

While we are baking and decorating and humming along to the Roche sisters, I am going to look at this photo of Jesse, Evelyn and their fabulous little tree and smile. Knowing that a piece of our family legacy is with them on the west coast makes me happy. I’ll fondly remember the first five years of our family holidays. That time in our lives when we put up the Christmas tree on the first of December. When Jesse, fresh from his nightly bath, would choose a colorful tissue wrapped package from the Ornament Basket, unwrap it, and get that twinkle in his eyes when he discovered what treat was inside. That is still one of my all time favorite bedtime rituals.

We had fun with the Ornament Basket for the 24 days before Christmas until our collection was large enough to fill a 6 foot Christmas tree… You can see some of Jesse’s favorites in the photo – the sheep, those little stockings, the stuffed dino up by the star… I remember him unwrapping them, placing them on a branch, reading stories by the light of the Christmas tree, and then heading upstairs to his truck bed (that’s now stored in the garage).

I’m looking forward to celebrating the holidays with my family this month.
Whether folks are at our house or in their own homes, I am delighted that
our fun family traditions are being sprinkled from coast to coast.

Thanks for sharing the photo Jess.
All my love to you and Evelyn.
Enjoy that tree.
It’s adorable!

National Adoption Month

In November 2009 there are more than 120,000 children waiting in foster care for an adoptive family. This month President Obama will issue a proclamation to announce National Adoption Month to raise awareness about this situation. I appreciate the way National Adoption Month encourages Americans to think about the importance of moving children from foster care into life-long families. It is also an opportune time to envision new realities for our children who remain in the public foster care system.

Every year nearly 25,000 young people “age out” of foster care without any enduring family relationships or community connections. This usually happens on their 18th birthday. They commonly leave the system without a place to live, a high school diploma, a job or the consistent support of a caring adult. The result: 25,000 vulnerable young Americans leave foster care and experience rates of homelessness, incarceration, and unemployment far above their peers.

Federal dollars have become available to begin addressing this “aging out” crisis. The focus is on creating programs for teens. But finding new ways to embrace and care for our most vulnerable children on the front end of their foster care experience is also critical in order to prevent “aging out” from happening in the first place.

In 2006, The Treehouse Foundation invited people of all ages to become part of a unique “aging out” solution designed to help America understand under
what conditions our young people with foster care histories can flourish. Its leadership led to the creation of a multigenerational neighborhood where families adopting children from foster care live with supportive neighbors.

The Treehouse Community model emphasizes finding humane and compassionate responses to support children that are community driven rather than solely reliant on social service systems. It provides children with a permanent family and a neighborhood invested in their health and well-being so that they do not leave foster care without anyone to count on. Treehouse inspired communities are currently being developed in California and Oregon.

Most Americans will hear about National Adoption Awareness Month and think it is a good thing. They will like the fact that on National Adoption Day a few thousand youngsters will be adopted from foster care. Some will be moved to pick up the phone to help out. Most will not. Not being offered any other alternatives to adoption or foster care, hundreds of thousands of potential resources will walk away from the children who need them the most.

Here’s an idea. Let’s create a menu of compelling new programs that serve kids in neighborhoods across America. Let’s offer folks an inviting array of ways to help, big and small. Partner with City Year and AmeriCorps as well as local colleges, universities and community organizations to help implement these exciting new program options and promote widespread engagement. Let’s give more Americans a chance to meet kids who need them. My experience is that volunteers who spend time with kids at camp,
in a garden or a barn are the ones who consider broader possibilities down the road.

To date my partners and I have created the following replicable models: the Treehouse Community, a year round sibling connection initiative, an animal therapy program, an intergenerational community garden, and an arts and learning project. Together we can do much more.

As we celebrate National Adoption Month this November please choose to honor the lives of the more than 500,000 children in our nation’s foster care system. Invest in innovation so that we can re-envision foster care in America.

Sweet Baby

Yesterday I met a beautiful little 3 week old baby girl in the Treehouse Library. She was sleeping peacefully in her little pink bunting, complete with fuzzy ears and feet. Her foster mother had come to Treehouse to attend a monthly foster parent support group for families in the region.

As I gazed down upon her I felt a rush of emotion. I realized that anyone who met this sweet baby would never know that she had been removed from her family and placed in foster care. In that moment she was not labeled, she was not stigmatized or limited by us in any way.

I stood by her car seat and thought, “She is full of potential and, if we care for her in the right ways, she will be able to live her life fully on a level playing field with her peers who are not in the system. If we thoughtfully care for her, if we invest in her well-being and her life, she will be given every opportunity to flourish and succeed. If we pay attention, she will be able to live a healthy and productive life.

A young woman who lives at Treehouse was doing her homework when the baby entered the Library. She was busy at the computer but when she saw the baby and heard us say that she was only 3 weeks old, she got up and walked over to say hello. “Is she your baby?” she innocently asked the woman standing next to her car seat. “No,” the woman responded. “I’m her foster mother.”

She and I stood together touching her little pink toes. “I’ll bet you looked just like her when you were a baby!” I said quietly. I knew she was thinking back about her beginnings. I knew she was reflecting upon her experiences in foster care. She smiled. I hugged her. She went back to the computer to collect her things.

The parent support group was about to start so I made my way out of the Library. Out in the foyer I turned around and looked back at both girls. I silently vowed to continue to do whatever I could to make things better for them both. These lovely girls and their peers are my inspiration. They deserve the new realities we are creating for them!

“Onward and upward!” I say to myself.
“Raise that money!”
“Champion transformation!”
“The best way to grow is to change.”
“So, be the change! Collaborate with others and show 800,000 kids in foster
care that they are worthy of our time, our investment, and our resources.”

I am deeply grateful for all the wonderful people who are on this journey to support our nation’s children in foster care with me: funders, program partners, board members, program planners, volunteers, business people, fiscal wizards, counselors, rowing coaches, drama queens, artists, IT specialists, friends, family, wise mentors, networking colleagues, architects, camp owners, social entrepreneurs, teachers, therapists, college professors, quilters, knitters, community weavers, visionaries and Treehouse community members of all ages. Your contributions make Treehouse, Camp To Belong MA, Sibling Sundays, and all the changes I envision possible.

We know what happens when 25,000 young people “age out” of foster care without enduring family or community connections. We know what happens when we scoop up 3 week old babies and give them the best possible care. Imagine if that was America’s new policy! It can happen. All it requires is for us to become invested in better outcomes for all of our nation’s children.

An Amazing Gift

Today I was given an amazing gift. The kind of gift that takes your breath away…. The gentleman who gave me the gift is Alan Khazei, co-founder of City Year and founder of Be The Change/Service Nation. Mr. Khazei, an inspirational social entrepreneur, has been one of my heroes for the past 10 years. Today at a rally in the Boston Common Alan formally announced that he would run for Ted Kennedy’s senate seat. My gift came at the end of his announcement speech.

Alan has visited us at our Treehouse Community in western Massachusetts. Treehouse was on Alan’s What Works Tour – a tour of successful Massachusetts programs that Alan would like to take with him to Washington for replication. He understands the value of creating multi-generational communities that support families who are adopting children from the foster care system. He appreciates the strategy of asking people of all ages to become part of a re-envisioning of foster care. Like me, he would like to see Treehouse Communities built all across the country. Like me, Alan believes that citizen led initiatives are powerful tools for change.

Alan is an innovative thinker who envisions new realities and then works hard to make them happen. I remember when Time magazine named him one of the “Top 50 Leaders Under 40”. Alan and his wife, Vanessa Kirsch of New Profit Inc. have dedicated themselves to developing innovative solutions to social problems for almost 20 years. These two leading social entrepreneurs have collaborated with citizens, legislators, philanthropists, business leaders, social entrepreneurs and Presidents to bring much needed change to communities across America.

Alan worked side by side with Senator Kennedy to craft the Edward M. Kennedy Serve America Act that President Obama signed in April. The Act is considered to be a milestone for the national service movement. More importantly, it offers up a new public philosophy that encourages America to look to its entrepreneurs and innovators in both the public and private sectors for creative solutions to our most pressing social needs.

Alan’s keen intelligence, combined with an outstanding ability to bring people together and move them forward is awe-inspiring. At today’s rally a City Year alum spoke about the power of Alan’s approach to national service and youth empowerment. His leadership skills, combined with a deep dedication to making this country stronger, make Alan an outstanding candidate for our next Massachusetts state senator.

At the end of his announcement, Alan spoke about the need for Big Citizenship. He spoke about the need to look to what has always been America’s greatest natural resource – We the People. He reminded us that it has always been citizens that have led great change in America. He encouraged people to become engaged. Then he shared my story – the story of one woman’s personal journey from ordinary citizen to social entrepreneur, inspired by the children she loves and finds worthy of her investment.

In doing so he honored our children experiencing foster care. He extended his hand and said, “You are on the right track. You are motivating people to transform foster care.” It was a generous and kind act. In that moment Alan Khazei blessed my life and my vision. He gave me hope. Hope for my dreams, hope for my Big Citizenship ideas, and hope for our children.

Thank you Alan! Here’s to a whole host of new realities and opportunities for our young people in foster care and their peers throughout the Commonwealth. Here’s to a whole host of new citizen led initiatives that strengthen the lives of all of us who live in America! Here’s to you!

Stories of Hope

I remember that “Aha Moment” 10 years ago, as I stood in my toy store pondering a comment that a well-educated customer had just made about “throwaway kids” in our country. It’s a freeze frame moment: I am standing by the Lego section, 5 month old baby asleep in her Baby Bjorn carrier with her little head resting on my chest. My head is nodding slowly as I talk to myself. “ You know the real challenges children who have been placed in foster care face. You need to make a choice. Will you create new outcomes for this beautiful baby, her siblings and her peers in foster care? Do you have the courage to create new realities for our nation’s most vulnerable kids?”

The question that Marshall Ganz of the Kennedy School would have asked me would probably have been a bit different. I imagine he would have looked at me and queried, “Will you create a story of hope?” Ganz, a lecturer in public policy at Harvard has written, “A story of hope begins with the recognition that an urgent challenge can become a moment of choice.” It is that moment when we feel a current reality being replaced with new options and a sense of promise.

Ganz states, “By turning a bad, hopeless or overwhelming situation into a moment of choice, we have given the moment real significance. We are now in the midst of a new story.” Before we may have been resigned to an inevitable fate. When we are touched by a story of hope, we are moved to consider new possibilities. Stories of hope are created when we decide to make the right choices and take action toward shaping our desired future.

Since that day in the Lego section I have worked with fabulous teams of people to create stories of hope through my work with the Treehouse Foundation and Sibling Connections. The result: Many lives are being enriched, blessed, and honored. Together we have chosen to become members of a group of leading edge thinkers and doers who share a collective identity that helps each of us feel supported in the risks we take as we transform our communities and the nation!

Joyous Shared Memories

//see more photos of ctb in the photo gallery

Our 5th season of Camp To Belong MA was a HUGE success!

80 campers and 55 volunteer counselors showed up in the Berkshires to help create joyous shared memories for sisters and brothers who have been separated when placed in foster care.

Check out these photos! You can feel the connection and happiness that was floating around camp all week long. On Friday morning I woke up realizing that the reason CTB MA feels so special is that all of us, kids and adults alike, spend time blessing one another’s lives – on the basketball courts, the banana boats, the trapeze, the climbing wall, the pool, the lake, the dining hall, and beyond.

We sang, danced, played and honored one another in the best ways possible. It was a win-win for us all. CTB MA volunteer counselors range in age from 20 – 65. They come from all walks in life. They come from all across the country to create new realities for siblings whose lives have been impacted by foster care. Some counselors are foster or adoptive parents. Some are social workers. Most have simply raised their hands and said, “I can help!” Please consider raising your hand and supporting young people experiencing foster care in your community. There are so many ways to share your expertise!

Out of Love

//photo credit

One of my favorite summer activities is sitting under the shade of a leafy green tree at the Barn, watching two beautiful young girls who I love ride their favorite horses. These sisters have adored horses since they were babies. To watch them riding with such skill, grace, and focus warms my heart.

Recently a woman approached me to say she had heard that I became a full time child advocate “because I was angry at the child welfare system for failing children who have been placed in the public foster care system.”

While that could be someone else’s motive, it wasn’t mine. I certainly learned important lessons about the child welfare system when we became a foster family but anger was not the root cause for my decision to become a social entrepreneur.

Here’s the truth. I established the Treehouse Foundation and Sibling Connections from a place of love. Two beautiful baby girls were placed in our home. I fell in love with them instantly. They were so full of life. Their potential was palpable. I wanted to bless their lives.

As I stood in the doorway of the child welfare offices with a child on each hip, it became clear to me that the best way to honor their lives and the lives of their siblings and peers in the foster care system was to collaborate with other out-of-the-box thinkers to create fabulous new programs full of color, whimsy, joy and connection.

I considered becoming a full time foster parent for a minute but quickly realized that I would only be able to have a positive impact on a relatively small number of children. A short time later it became clear to me. I needed to get out in the world and do what I do best: create new programs that invite people of all ages to help transform the way we think and act toward our nation’s children who have been placed in foster care.

My decision came from a place of love. It’s a life decision that I fully embrace. It’s a pleasure to be working with such fabulous people at Treehouse and Sibling Connections who are dedicated to building innovative organizations, communities and programs that inspire a re-envisioning of foster care.

I look forward to doing more. It is a pleasure to bless the lives of the children I love and respect. Especially these two young girls on horseback who have taught me so much over the past 10 years!

Ask Yourself

In a recent interview Marion Woodman, Jungian analyst and author, asks what meaning human life has if nobody has ever seen you.

Ask yourself: As a child who saw you? Who heard you? Was there anyone with who you could be totally yourself and to whom you could trust your heart responses and speak your soul responses. Someone who made you think, Gosh, I am somebody. They’re happy I’m here.

She goes on to say, “Love is the real power. It’s the energy that cherishes. The more you work with that energy, the more you will see how people respond naturally to it, and the more you will want to use it. It brings out your creativity, and helps everyone around you flower. Your children, the people you work with – everyone blooms.”

Showing UP!

When it comes down to it, life is about showing up. Showing up for the people you care about, again and again, until you can’t show up anymore. Creating new realities for children who have experienced foster care is about showing up too. Every day on Treehouse Circle children who have experienced foster care are surrounded by adults who show up and demonstrate that they are truly invested in their well-being, their daily lives, and their futures.

Showing up is a simple concept.
At Treehouse kids who have been placed in foster care live in a beautiful neighborhood where they are surrounded by caring adults who show up every day to offer them life-long families, safety, stability, security, and support. It’s truly that simple.

Treehouse is dedicated to creating new realities for young people whose lives have been impacted by foster care. It’s about connecting kids to caring people, stellar resources, and new opportunities.

Imagine That! Instead of statistics that shout “Outcomes for youth who have been in the public foster care system are dismal!” we could replace the homeless, incarcerated, unemployed, and at-risk outcomes with life in Treehouse Communities where kids are surrounded by life-long families and invested community members who help them heal, establish safe & trusting relationships, and imagine a future filled with new possibilities.

Follow the Treehouse example. Show you care. Show up!
Treehouse …
• Family
• Community
• Support
• Positive life-long connections
• New life opportunities
• Lives well-lived
• Creating new realities for kids who experience foster care in America!

Treehouse – a model that’s worth investing in!

A New Perspective

People are always asking me where the name Treehouse comes from. I love treehouses. They represent a childhood icon that brings a smile to the young and the young at heart. A treehouse is a place you climb up into; a place where you can find a new perspective – a more expansive view. It’s a place where you gather with friends, feeling safe and cozy, where you can dream and imagine all of life’s possibilities.

That safe cozy feeling is what those of us who live, work, and dream at the first Treehouse Community experience every day. Here, together, we’ve been given an opportunity to begin envisioning another way to nurture our children who
have experienced foster care.

Since June 2006, over 100 people, ranging in age from 4 – 90, have been living, working, and playing on Treehouse Circle. For the past three years we have been getting to know one another and in the process families and a vibrant community are being built. Relationships are being forged. Lives are changing.

At Treehouse, children with foster care histories are being surrounded by people who care about them and are actively investing in their lives. They have families, friends, and a neighborhood full of people who are wishing them well. Every day. They show up at high school graduations, school science fairs and tea parties. They help with homework, attend performances, bake cookies, and share birthday cakes.

As we enter our third year we can see that Treehouse is becoming the Center of Innovation it is meant to be. We are collaborating with partners throughout the region to weave a colorful tapestry of connections, inviting people of all ages to participate in our unique Treehouse programming. Together we are building new safety nets for children, families & elders.

More importantly, as children’s lives are being infused with caring people, they are beginning to dream. They are learning not to settle quietly for the way things were, for the way they were certain things would always be. Instead, they are dreaming of choices, options, and possibilities. And we, the adults in their lives, are there to help them explore those opportunities.

We thank all of our fabulous partners for making Treehouse a reality. We appreciate all of the wonderful donors, both individuals and foundations, who find the work that Treehouse is doing worthy of your financial support. With your continued help we will continue to honor and respect all of our children by providing them with life-long families and community connections.

True Story

True Story: 10 years ago TODAY I became a foster parent and my life changed in the most wonderful ways! I just got off the phone with our youngest daughter’s grandmother. Reviewing the lessons learned over the past decade with her brought tears to my eyes and joy to my heart!

Becoming a foster parent and then choosing to adopt our daughter and expand our family has been one of the best life decisions I have ever made. The journey has been powerful, exciting, fun, intense, and humbling. My life has been enriched in a myriad of ways. I am a more compassionate person as a result of this set of experiences.

My extended family has grown to include my daughter’s family, my Treehouse family, my Sibling Connections family, and all of the wonderful supporters and visionaries I have met along the way. Just check out all of the smiling faces on this blog and you’ll see why I am grateful we picked up the phone and called to inquire about how to become foster parents and dedicate our life to creating new realities for young people who experience foster care in America!

Tyler Harlow’s Ride Across America

Riding across America in 55 days is not small feat, but then Tyler Harlow is no small dreamer. On April 15th, Tyler – a third year volunteer counselor at Camp To Belong Massachusetts – began his epic bicycle journey from Boston to San Francisco to raise money for Camp To Belong MA and awareness about the importance of keeping sibling connections intact for the 800,000 young people placed in the public foster care system.

Tyler is truly an inspiration to us all. His love of the kids, his dedication to our year-round sibling connection initiative, and his willingness to get out there and share his passion with the country is the highest honor he can bestow upon siblings who have been separated. His actions shout, “You are worthy of our time and investment!” It doesn’t get any better than that…

On April 16th, at the end of his second day on the road, he cycled down Button Road and onto Treehouse Circle. CTB MA campers, CTB MA counselors, and Treehouse community members cheered and waved colorful signs, banners and pom poms.

After giving him a Hero’s Welcome, we ate pizza, played some of our favorite camp games, and celebrated his birthday with some delicious birthday cake before sending him on his way with our very best wishes!

Check out these photos. They capture the essence of CTB MA and show why a young man would hop on his bike and ride 3,000 miles to help kids create some joyous shared memories with their siblings. This is a group of really fun counselors!

Go to siblingconnections.com to find out how you can support Tyler’s Ride Across America!

In Our Backyard Children’s Campaign

The In Our Backyard Children’s Campaign is actively collaborating with individuals and organizations across the country to bring about a re-envisioning of foster care in America.

We are building a national movement to inspire a new era of engagement that benefits children who experience foster care in America. In Our Backyard is a campaign that honors the lives of children with no power and no voice. It is a campaign that builds foundations, connections, and futures. Join us as we embark upon a national re-envisioning of foster care.

Imagine
An America where people of all ages unite and take responsibility for our children’s futures. An America that invests in the lives
of our most vulnerable citizens. An America that believes all lives have equal worth. An America where we embrace all of the children in our backyards to ensure that each one has the opportunity to live a healthy, productive life.

In Our Backyard Vision
In Our Backyard represents a vision – Invite people of all ages to become engaged resources to children who experience foster care. Create a trained national service corps to support that engagement. Give them an array of innovative year-round program models to get involved with. Surround our country’s vulnerable children with great role models and resources. Re-invent the way we care for the 800,000 children who have been placed in our nation’s public foster care system.

Root Cause
Every year as many as 25,000 young people experiencing foster care turn 18 and “age out” of the public foster care system in this country without any enduring family relationships or community connections. Suddenly, after a childhood spent in a system that has made every important life decision for them, they are on their own with no one to count on.

There is a disconnect between children experiencing foster care and the majority of Americans. Why?
Currently most Americans think that there are only two ways they can support a child in the public foster care system:

1. Become a foster parent
2. Adopt a child from the foster care system.

This is too much to ask of most people. The outcome: hundreds of thousands of potential people resources walk away from the children who need them the most. The end result: 25,000 young people who are at risk for homelessness, incarceration, unemployment, early parenthood, and lives of poverty….. lives of poverty “age out” annually unprepared to live outside of the foster care system. Americans continue to support them with their tax dollars rather than celebrating their transition into a productive healthy young adulthood. The In Our Backyard solution: Surround each child in foster care with family and community members who are invested in their life-long success and well-being. Create a broader pool of potential family and community connections through new programs that invite volunteers in to form healthy relationships with kids on the front end of their foster care experiences rather than waiting until they turn 18.

The In Our Backyard Solution
Create a compelling Menu of Engagement Options to better serve our country’s most vulnerable children – exciting new programs that invite people of all ages to participate, connect, care, and take an active role in our country’s re-envisioning foster care process. Programs that In Our Backyard’s visionary leader, Judy Cockerton, has already begun: Treehouse Communities, the Big Red Barn Animal Therapy Program, Treehouse Arts & Learning Project, Sibling Connections, Community and School Garden Programs.

Cockerton has more program designs in the works. Her idea is to gather a stellar multi-disciplinary team of social venture capitalists and out of the box thinkers together to complete the Menu and then launch a multi-generational trained service corps to assist in its implementation nationwide.

In Our Backyard proposes a transformation of the way Americans support children who experience the foster care system as well as an expansion of service opportunities for people of all ages and from every socioeconomic group. The IOB campaign will help instill a culture of engagement with children experiencing foster care and provide opportunities for Americans to serve our most vulnerable children throughout their lifetimes.

In Our Backyard Strategies for Re-Envisioning Foster Care
Key Strategies for the campaign include:
• Launching and sustaining new replicable program models.
• Expanding menu of engagement and service opportunities.
• Engaging students of all ages – elementary thru college.
• Partnering with colleges and universities.
• Offering In Our Backyard on-line courses.
• Cultivating non-traditional public-private partnerships.
• Educating Americans about the everyday realities children who experience foster care face.
• Inspiring Americans to re-think and re-design our approach.
• Encouraging Americans to think out of the foster care box.
• Providing America’s elders with opportunities to serve.
• Funding innovative programs and practices.
• Replicating promising programs and practices.
• Measuring outcomes of expanded service delivery and citizen service opportunities.
• Taking a collaborative multi-disciplinary approach in order to create lasting social change.

The campaign aims to make serving children who experience foster care a new norm. The stigma and disrespect that children in the public foster care system typically face will be replaced with responsive and humane programming as well as life long family and community connections.

Foster Care: The Upgrade

How do we create a foster care system that we can actually be proud of? A more intelligent and humane approach of caring for our vulnerable youth in all 50 states – one that invites us all to participate and empowers each of us to be the change.

The Obama campaign certainly provided us with a template for how to upgrade the system, using technology and community organizing techniques that brought new definition to the term “old school”. The Obama Team’s brilliant engagement strategy married technology and entrepreneurial spirit with the social change process and look how many people jumped on board the Hope Train.

At its core was a transformational vision that calls for an informed and involved digitally actualized group of people to become an integral part of the solution. As Marshall Ganz of Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government said after the election, “You don’t just put that genie back in the bottle. There are millions of people across the country who were part of this campaign, and they aren’t just going to disappear.”

That’s just what we need to upgrade the way we as a country approach child welfare. We need those millions of people, who were active in supporting President Obama, to take all of that fabulous Yes, We Can energy and aim it at the public foster care system. Imagine what a difference that would make to the lives of 800,000 stigmatized young people who are typically considered unworthy of our time and investment. It will be a piece of cake if we use the brilliant new electoral model that the Obama Team and engaged Americans co-created.

Check out the February issue of San Francisco magazine. In an article titled, Democracy: the upgrade. It describes how the Bay Area’s news-breaking bloggers, visionary VC’s, Web 2.0 geniuses, and ordinary citizens helped Obama remake U.S. politics. As a native of the Bay Area who moved to Boston in the 1970s, I read about my west coast counterparts with pride. They are thinking and acting out of the box, that’s for sure. Just look at Craigslist, Google, Salon, Moveon.org, Facebook, Next Agenda, Barackobamaisyournewbicycle.com and all of the other smart tools and engagement options.

We all know that it takes a thoughtfully crafted idea, a good strategy, clear vision, a passionate leader, and an experienced management team to successfully begin to bring about social change. It also takes dedication, determination, and a willingness to walk in the desert upon occasion. I have certainly felt that hot sand underneath my feet over the past 10 years!

As venture capitalist Andy Rappaport says in the February San Francisco magazine article, “So what are we going to do to change that? If you’re here in the Silicon Valley, the answer is, you try a bunch of experiments. Then you invest in the ones that work, scale them up, kill the ones that don’t. I’ve just described venture capital to you. So a few donors and activists – some here and some elsewhere – figured let’s throw a bunch of money and energy and ideas at the problem and see what we can come up with. Let’s see, for example if we can figure out how to get young people engaged.” Ah, Andy Rappaport, you are my kind of philanthropist. A man who is willing to take a risk to bring about the kind of change this country needs. Look what you helped transform…. Please contact me so we can create a dynamic team to transform our approach to foster care.

While we move forward to solidify our funding options for this endeavor, here are some key actions we need to take:

• Create a synergy between online and offline engagement options.
• Communicate our core values and ideas again and again.
• Encourage freewheeling, interconnected social networking.
• Tap into the creativity of artists, musicians, actors, educators, the advertising world, writers, philanthropists, and entrepreneurs
• Fuel citizen journalism to educate the country and promote participation.
• Use innovative technologies and web applications.
• Use multiple social networks.
• Get America blogging about foster care solutions.
• Circulate hope, new ideas, and inspiration.
• Promote a spirit of empowerment that doesn’t require anyone’s permission.
• Generate a cascade effect: use online organizing to break through old ceilings.
• Create a local and constantly connected Re-Envisioning Foster Care campaigns.
• Work outside the system to enhance the work of child welfare.
• Partner with the system to support change.

Thanks San Francisco magazine for making my day. Great article!

Because of you, John

The February 2nd issue of the New Yorker magazine reported that after he was sworn in as 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama honored John Lewis – Georgia’s eleven-term representative, and the only surviving speaker from the March on Washington where Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. gave his eloquent “I Have A Dream” speech.

“After absorbing the thudding roar from the Mall, Obama glanced to his right. He spotted there on the steps, a few feet away, John Lewis ….. “Congratulations Mr. President,” Lewis whispered in his ear. Obama smiled at the sound of that and said, Thank you, John. I’ll need your prayers.” “You’ll have them, Mr. President. That, and all my support.”

John Lewis’ caliber of support is legendary. He led the march across the Edmund Pettus Bridge in Alabama. The state troopers on the other side of the bridge used whips, a hose wrapped in barbed wire, horses, and nightsticks to punish Lewis and his colleagues who crossed the bridge that day. The first nightstick came down on John Lewis’ skull.

The Civil Rights Movement was lucky to have John Lewis as one of its leaders. The Foster Care Re-Envisioning Movement needs someone of his caliber to help usher in a new era for children in this country – a bold visionary who believes it is time to erase the stigma of a foster care placement and makes it happen.

Lewis has said about our country’s current problems, “…the problems are so big. None of them can be solved in a day or a year. That’s the way it was with the civil rights movement. We play our part and fulfill our role.” Let us each find our parts and play our roles – for our children and our country.

The New Yorker says that “At the luncheon following the swearing-in ceremony, Lewis approached President Obama with a commemorative photograph and asked him to sign it. The President wrote, “Because of you, John. Barack Obama.”

Thank you John Lewis for the part you played in moving our country forward. May thousands of Americans follow your outstanding example and take the necessary steps required to ensure that our nation’s children live with dignity.

A Buzz in the Air

Treehouse is preparing for President Obama’s upcoming Inauguration! We’ve got a life sized cardboard cut out of the President elect in the Community Center. People of all ages are having their photos taken with it. Pictures of happy smiling people are showing up on bulletin boards.

I heard someone say the words “Inauguration Ball” (as in, “Let’s have our own Inauguration Ball.”). There’s talk of hooking up Kerry’s laptop to the big screen TV so we can be plugged in to this historic occasion all day long. People are asking how to spell hors d’oeuvres… There is a definite buzz in the air!

While I was in the Library making signs to announce the celebration, a beloved elder came in and handed me a piece of paper with a smile on her face. “I’m feeling good today!” she said. “President Obama has the country’s well-being in mind. He wants the best for all of us and I know he will be working hard to help this country find the path that we looking for.”

“Well, with that kind of support the country is definitely going to spiral up!” I replied. “Here’s to President Obama’s success and millions of lives well lived!” Then I opened the paper and read her approach to a life well lived:

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch… to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Indra’s Net

Recently I read an article titled, “The Gift – Living a Life of Purpose and Meaning by Stephen Cope. He’s the Director of Kripalu’s Institute for Extraordinary Living. The premise of the article is “Each of us is born with a unique gift – and a sacred duty to fulfill its promise.” It asks us to consider living as a “soul awake in this lifetime”.

In his article, Cope refers to Indra’s Net. I first heard about Indra’s Net when I was in college. It inspired me to really pay attention to what Cope refers to as what life looks like “when a human being functions on all cylinders – body, mind, and spirit.” Ultimately, the Indra’s Net theory led me to become a foster parent, adoptive parent, social entrepreneur, and full time child advocate.

Cope writes about what it would mean for us to consider one of the central archetypes of the yoga tradition – the fully alive human being. He says,

“There is a lot of yogic lore about the process of living fully – and there is one piece of lore that I find very helpful. Yogis believed that every human being is born with a special gift. This gift, for each of us, is like the doorway to a fulfilled life. It is the doorway to our own particular path, our vocation, our calling – our sacred duty. Yogis called this vocation our dharma. All of life is seen as an opportunity to realize and manifest this unique calling – this unique dharma.

Early yogis had a beautiful way of thinking about the importance of the gift. For these yogis, the whole world was seen as a vast net woven together in space and time – not unlike our notion of the quantum field. This was called Indra’s Net, and at the intersection of each warp strand and woof strand of this net is a jewel. This jewel represents an individual human soul. And it is that soul’s duty – sacred calling – to hold together its particular part of the web by being its own unique jewel-like self. In this way, the whole universe holds together as one great interlocking field. But it only hangs together if each one of us plays our particular role, enacts our unique dharma. It only works if each one of us is completely and authentically ourselves. It only works if each one of us is completely who we were born to be.

I like this image a lot. It honors each individual soul’s idiosyncratic gift and relates it to the thriving of the whole. And it underscores… the idea that not only do we each have a gift but we each have a profound responsibility to that gift. Our task, says the great Jungian psychologist Carol Pearson, is to take ownership of our gift, and to trust that its full manifestation is precisely what the world most needs from us.”

Holding together my little corner of the warp and woof of space and time in Indra’s Net gives me great joy. Why wouldn’t it? It’s full of fabulous kids, adults who think out of the box, and exciting new possibilities…

New Year’s Resolutions

Happy New Year! Got that paper and pen handy? Ready to begin improving your life and the world?

Recently I read an article titled, “What is on Your Not To Do List for 2009?” One person wrote, “ I’m not going to go on another diet, climb Mt. Everest, learn Mandarin, make my bed every day, learn how to iron properly, or line my kitchen drawers. I will however, overlook my husband’s inability to fold towels, take my dogs to the beach more often, and be less judgmental.”

I love that list! It feels so authentic and manageable. It made me laugh. I am not a big fan of New Year’s Resolutions. I prefer a daily practice to a yearly one. But I could get into making this list because its Irreverent, reality based, and laced with humor. Something we could all use more of.

I began making my Not To Do List and am thoroughly enjoying myself. My family is involved in the process and we are all getting a kick out of defining what it is we do want by first identifying what it is we will not invest time and energy in.

Imagine what a great year this could be… Here’s to 2009! May we all grow, prosper, and find joy, connection, and peace in our relationships, our families, and our communities. May Treehouse and Sibling Connections flourish and find all of the fiscal support they need in order to benefit the lives of those they serve. And may each child whose life has been impacted by a foster care experience be surrounded by goodness and grace.

Kimberly’s Cookies

When winter rolls around at our house we saunter over to my kitchen drawer and pull out our favorite cookie recipe. Then we go to the store and stock up on Teddy’s peanut butter and Hershey’s Kisses. That’s how we know the season has officially begun.

This delicious peanut butter cookie recipe came to us by way of our dear friend and family member, Kimberly McClure.
It arrived at our house on December 7, 2003 in an email titled “Eat Yummy Cookies!” The email said, “All of our holiday parties were canceled this weekend so we gave away most of our goodies to the fire fighters who were shoveling out the hydrants in the neighborhood. Too hard to have all of those tasty treats around.”

Tasty treats indeed… Chocolate chip cookies with various embellishments had been our family favorite until we tried this recipe. Now it’s “Kimberly’s Cookies”. When my daughter recently flew home for the holidays I smiled when I overheard her telling my sister we were whipping up a batch of “Kimberly’s Cookies” for the neighbors. They have become a family legacy.

Here it is. The recipe is delicious as is but we find using crunchy peanut butter and adding a few chocolate chips to the dough gives you a salty, crunchy, sweet experience that is not to be missed! I have to admit that next to eating these yummy morsels, my favorite part is placing a Hershey’s Kiss on top of each one right after they come out of the oven…

1 ¼ Cups of Peanut Butter
1 Cup Butter
¾ Cups White Sugar
¾ Cups Packed Brown Sugar
2 Eggs
½ teaspoon vanilla

2 ¼ Cups of All Purpose Flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder

1.    Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

2.    In a large bowl, cream together peanut butter, butter,
both sugars. Beat in eggs and vanilla. Combine
the flour, baking powder and baking soda. Stir into
the peanut butter mixture. Add chocolate chips if
you are so inclined!

3.     Form dough into walnut sized spoonfuls and place
on ungreased cookie sheet.

4.     Bake for 12 – 15 minutes. Allow to cool 3 minutes
before transferring to wire rack.

Munch slowly with a glass of cold milk…

Shared Memories

How cool is it to wake up on Christmas morning and say to your sister, “Let’s go see if  Santa came!” This year one of my daughter’s little sisters, who lives in a different home, was able to come and spend Christmas with us. It was an amazing gift for us all.

On Christmas Eve they came home from a Christmas party and helped set out Santa’s tray with cookies, milk
and carrots for the reindeer. The tray had a pretty sign that said, “Merry Christmas Santa!”

As they were going to bed on their conversation was full of excitement. It went like this:
“Was that a reindeer?”
“No. I think it was Santa’s sleigh.”
“Didn’t you say that we have to be asleep before Santa will come?”
“OK. We’d better go to sleep now.”

In the morning, our daughter woke up and said, “Oh my gosh! It’s Christmas morning! Wake up! Let’s go see if Santa came!”

As they rushed down the stairs to see if there were presents with their names on them, joy radiated through the house. They found a pile under the tree and rushed back up to tell us the good news. Then they rushed back down to check on the stockings. It was 7 AM.

“This is how it’s supposed to be,” I thought as I pulled on my pants and headed downstairs to pour glasses of juice and fix our Christmas morning tray. My husband put on soft Christmas morning music and made a fire in the fireplace while the girls joyfully sorted through the gifts.

When the stage had been set, we each chose a couch and/or chair and took turns opening presents. There was a lots of gratitude in that circle and it stayed with us all day long as we visited additional family members, went to the movies, and dined on Chinese food with friends.

At night we were all ready to climb into bed, read stories, and share Christmas highlights. Each of us had our own special memories. Each of us had a good story to tell. The common element in our stories: siblings. Creating shared memories with them made the holiday truly memorable.

Holiday Wishes

Big snowstorm coming down!
They say 10 – 12 inches of white powder.
A definite
White Christmas,
Snowy Hanukkah,
Candlelight Kwanzaa,
Silvery Solstice, and
Feliz Three Kings Day Celebration…

As I ponder all of the wonderful ways to
create joyous family memories this year, in between
trips outside to shovel the driveway, I see
the celebrating has already begun. There is
nothing like snow to bring out the neighborhood
collection of colorful sleds. You can hear the squeals
of delight as the kids climb aboard and head downhill..
Then there are the snow angels and assorted snow people
and animals lined up for all to see.

Entryways are lined with:
Boots
Hats
Mittens
Scarves
Snow Pants

And, oh what fun it is to come
inside and put your cold hands
around a cup of hot chocolate
and pick up a homemade cookie
to munch on in front of the fireplace
while you thaw out.

I had the gift of coming inside after my
third round of morning shoveling, to find
a hot cup of tea and a heartfelt
Christmas wish in my mailbox waiting for me.

The Christmas wish was from
a very dear friend and mentor – a wise woman
who has taught me so many valuable lessons about
how to be a stellar “every day mommy” to someone
who has a “tummy mommy and birth family” she loves
and wishes she could live with.

It said:

“Dear God:
The lady reading this
is beautiful, classy and
strong, and I love her.
Help her live her life to the fullest.
Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations.
Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love.
Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most, and
let her know when she walks with you, she will always be safe.”

The message brought tears of appreciation to my eyes.
It is such a gift to be seen and honored. I wish it for
everyone on this beautiful snowy day – those of us
who are young, those of us who are old, and those
of us who are young at heart.

Double Digits

Remember turning 10? I do! Double digits…

Tomorrow is my youngest daughter’s birthday and we started celebrating early so we can make sure to include every family member possible.

This celebration started in August at Camp To Belong MA at our camp wide birthday party with her big brother. It resumed in November when we went to Bugaboo’s with her big sister. Kissing the moose has become an annual tradition!

Last week at Sibling Sunday we paid homage to everyone who has a December birthday so she was able to celebrate with two siblings over snow people sundaes. On Friday we went out to dinner. Tonight we will honor the birthday girl with a neighborhood fiesta. Tomorrow, on her actual birthday, we’ll wind things up!

While this would have been over the top for my two children by birth, it feels just right for my daughter who was placed in foster care at 4 months of age. Keeping all of her family connections intact is critical to her health and well-being. Interestingly enough, this cannot be accomplished by one party for the simple reason that not everyone in her family knows each other.

This is common in families where siblings are separated when removed from their homes and placed in foster care. This may seem complex to folks who have not experienced foster care adoption, but as I search the internet for the best chocolate frosting recipe ever, it simply feels what you do to celebrate your child’s double digit birthday!

Happy Holly Daze!

For almost 20 years I spent the month of December in my toy stores, listening to the latest Hanukkah and Christmas tunes while chatting with customers and wrapping beautiful gifts. Some days I would wrap for 8 hours straight. My big kids grew up in the stores and I carried my little one around in a Baby Bjorn carrier when she was 6 months old. What a great place to raise kids!

Every Christmas Eve, while my husband and kids engaged in an annual Yankee Swap at a friend’s house, I put on my favorite music and wandered around the store, carefully choosing toys for my kids and then slowly wrapping them. Some people love hanging out in kitchens creating fabulous meals. I loved hanging out in my toy stores, surrounded by beautiful toys, stuffed animals and dress up clothes creating a shopping experience!

These days, while fundraising 24/7, I find myself wishing that the lovely customer who showed up every year on Christmas Eve with a shoe box full of cash would appear at my door like the Millionaire and wish me a Merry Christmas. Or, that I would win tonight’s Mass Millions prize. I bought some tickets just in case she doesn’t show up…

The Power of Partnership

It’s been a busy fall. We put the Treehouse Community Garden to bed, Hope and her team of Garden Keepers went apple picking, made homemade applesauce and built new garden benches. We celebrated our second birthday with a fiesta and community dinner. A sock hop is in the works.

Our days are full of new programs, great opportunities, and caring connections. Life on Treehouse Circle is buzzing with opportunities. On Tuesdays and Thursdays people are gathering for our the Treehouse Arts and Learning Project – a fabulous new program made possible by the generosity of one woman. It’s a perfect example of the kind of magic that happens when donors come together at Treehouse to think out of the foster care box. Just like we experienced in the garden this past spring!

One hot summer morning, I received a phone call from a friend of Treehouse. She said she had an idea. She wanted to support learning at Treehouse; to inspire and motivate kids to learn through the arts and drama. We were thrilled with the idea. She chose two outstanding partners for us: Snow Farm and the Enchanted Circle Theatre. An experienced teacher with a love of kids was hired. Resident Artists were lined up. Kids and families attended an Orientation. We had a blast! I knew this program was going to be really special.

Now 5^th – 9^th graders living at Treehouse are thoroughly enjoying themselves twice a week as they actively experience the arts. Thanks to the vision of one amazing funder a new program is being piloted. Evaluations are in process. Parents, Treehouse staff, and elders have joined in the fun. It’s definitely a win-win-win. We are seeking funding to help the program evolve. Adults and kids are definitely learning.

The first session of the ALP, our theme is “I”. The winter session will move outward and focus on “We”. The spring session will take the kids outward to “Community” and we’ll visit Snow Farm and observe artists at work in their studios as well as give the kids opportunities to explore arts of their choice. The Grand Finale: A play that the kids will write and perform on a stage out in the community.

Watching the kids being exposed to poetry, photography, drawing and journal writing over the past few weeks, while becoming better acquainted with themselves, is a gift that comes to Treehouse thanks to the goodness of one person who believes in our mission. The excitement that happens on Tuesdays and Thursdays comes to Treehouse through the power of partnership. Support and partnership – two essential ingredients to the success of our collaborative Treehouse Approach!

We Are Family

Shrieks of laughter!

S’mores

Roasting hot dogs over a camp fire

Morning wake-up dances

Lots of singing

Face painting

Balloon hats

Decorating birthday cupcakes

Designing sibling pillows

Harvey and Tyler in the Dunk Tank

Cotton candy

Popcorn

Bus trips to Topsy’s

Water volleyball

Bouncing on the Rave

Arthur’s evening slide shows

Taking pictures

Making scrapbooks

 

Our fourth season of Camp To Belong MA just came to a close… Joy and laughter filled the Berkshire air all week long as the campers played together in the pools, lake, riding ring and on the trapeze, banana boats and climbing wall.

 

85 sisters and brothers spent fun-filled days together creating shared memories. 45 outstanding volunteers, ages 20 – 64, generously gave the kids

their all from sun up to sun down. We experienced the best kind of connection – at camp, between generations, with friends and family members who truly care about one another.

 

Most Americans think there are only two ways they can support children who experience foster care: by becoming a foster or adoptive parent. This great

summer sibling connection program and our stellar volunteers of all ages demonstrate a new way to become engaged. They show us innovative options that support kids experiencing foster care in very meaningful ways.

 

Check out the photos!  Watch the slide show. We are re-thinking and re-envisioning America’s engagement possibilities. Now that this season of camp is over and we are heading into fall, we are planning our monthly year-round program, Sibling Sundays. We’ve got a larger group of volunteers, great ideas, and committed partners with us as we enter the new year.

 

Stay tuned! We’ll continue sharing our learning and Arthur Pollock’s beautiful photos with you as the year progresses!

 

Fireworks

Every year on the 4th of July neighbors from my small community gather on the shores of the town’s lake to celebrate our nation’s birth and witness a half hour of awesome fireworks; fireworks that are so beautiful they take your breath away. Roads are closed and townsfolk set up chairs on the beach and in the middle of the road to oooh and ahhh.

The magic of this night never wavers for me. For the past 21 years we have sat with friends and family members who have enjoyed a nice barbeque before meandering down the street to the lake for this annual tradition. We claim a space, sit down, and tilt our heads back so we can savor each and every moment of the spectacular display of light and color in the sky above.

As the fireworks pop, boom, and fizzle above us people holler out their appreciation.

“This is so much better than Disneyworld!”

“Oh, I love those gold ones!”

“Wow! That is SO beautiful,”

“They just get better every year!”

“I wish I could have these at my wedding.”

“Oh, that’s a new kind!”

While we were enjoying the amazing visual display above us this year, I thought of the children I know for whom fireworks are not a source of such happiness. Kids whose families create alternative plans so that their loud sounds do not trigger feelings of anxiety. Kids who have experienced what some call “challenging beginnings.”

Their parents inspire me. They make alternative plans that change every year as their children move toward health and well-being. I know families who watch fireworks from cars parked far away so their children can enjoy the spectacle without any sound, folks whose kids watch from inside their homes wearing headphones, dads and kids who stand side by side outside of their cars to watch just in case they need to make a quick getaway, and moms who take their kids to playgrounds with their iPods on so they can all enjoy the fireworks in a way that feels safe.

Kudos to those courageous kids and stellar parents who think outside the Fourth of July fireworks box. I love your creativity, humanity, and innovative spirit. Thank you for creating safe ways for kids to experience this American celebration with safety nets that honor each child’s needs and for modeling collaborative problem solving at its best!

Busloads of Visitors

Last year a bus full of people from all over the country came to visit Treehouse. They were all attending the annual Co-Housing Conference in Boston. It was our first busload of visitors since we opened in June 2006.

I was the official Treehouse greeter, welcoming people as they got off the bus and came into the Community Center. We all moved into the Gathering Space where we celebrate all of our community activities: birthdays, teas, pot lucks, artistic events, adoption parties, and so much more.. After people settled in at our 8 round tables I shared The Treehouse Story.

The audience was inspired and asked wonderful questions. One lovely woman from Utah came back to visit a few months later and decided to move to Treehouse. She will be a great community member: engaged, interested in living in an intentional multigenerational neighborhood, friendly, open, child-centered, and completely aligned with our mission and vision.

Today the bus pulled up again. I stood at the front door of the Community Center and welcomed folks as they stepped off under the portico. After we settled into the Gathering Space I began to share the Treehouse Story. As I was talking, the power of this remarkable 10 year journey hit me in a way that it never had before. Maybe it was how much we had grown as a community over the past year. Perhaps the reality of what we had accomplished rang true in a new way. Whatever the reason, standing in front of this attentive audience sharing our Treehouse history moved me deeply.

I started from the very beginning – the evening when my husband handed me the newspaper article about a little 5 month old baby being kidnapped from his crib in broad daylight. I wove in vignettes from 1998 – 2008, all the way to yesterday’s Iced Tea Party.

I thought about all of the learning that Treehouse has provided us with. I thought about all of the fabulous people who have showed up on the journey. Then all of the generosity, kindness, grace, flexibility and support that I have been the recipient of. I thought about the kids, their families, Treehouse elders, our partners, board members, the volunteers, and our stellar Community Facilitator, Kerry Homstead.

It has taken vision, dedication, tenacity, and determination to bring this vision to fruition. And we did it! We launched, lived through the first two years, and are now beginning to think about the possibilities of home ownership and scalability.

I love our annual visit from the Co-Housing Tour. People come in curious and go away inspired. They encourage me to continue the work and stay focused on the prize – the well-being of children. When they leave I wish another bus would pull up so I could continue sharing the story about how one five month old baby boy inspired the engagement of so many people.

Summer’s Here

Memorial Day in New England means a season change. It signals the beginning of summer, the season of outdoor celebration that promptly ends on Labor Day. Since it is such a short and pleasurable time of year people make the most of it.

After the long winter, it is always wonderful to see people outside using bikes, boats, pools, beaches, and local parks. Grills are lit, picnics packed, and sunscreen slathered on extra thick for summer protection.

In New England people head north to Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont, south to the Cape, east to the beaches, and west to the Berkshires. It doesn’t matter which direction you head in, you will find summer fun wherever you go. Folks stuck in Boston hop on ferries to visit the Harbor Islands or head over to Castle Island.

Summer is garden season as well. Time to plant, tend, and harvest. At Treehouse our Community Garden is undergoing a transition And we are all delighted with the changes. Thanks to the support of some visionary funders, Treehouse community members of all ages have begun to dig, plant, sow, and water. Guided by our good friend and teacher, Hope Guardenier, our collective vision is becoming reality.

Newly built raised beds allow friends and neighbors in wheelchairs to actively participate in all Treehouse gardening activities. Last week a group of kids and adults filled the raised beds with compost and soil and built 2 gourd structures. They look like tipis without fabric. Each day something new and exciting takes place.

The Treehouse Community Garden is a real gift – a place of healing, learning, sharing, and gathering. You can feel its positive energy as you walk across the meadow toward the line of festive scarecrows. Mt. Tom rises in the background making an impressive backdrop. There are folks seated at the garden table chatting. There are community members of all ages participating in today’s garden activity: kids and adults sitting on the grass making garden flags, teens eating watermelon, Hope with her beautiful baby strapped to her chest raking the soil in one of the newly filled raised beds.

We can’t wait for our friends, Mary Beth and Gram, to come back from Florida and join our garden adventure. Mary Beth is known for taking what the garden provides and teaching us how to prepare it in new and exciting ways. Last summer our community kitchen was filled with kids and adults working side by side, preparing delicious samples for everyone to try. Mary Beth moved gracefully from kitchen to table offering us new possibilities – baked sweet potato fries, scrumptious salads, delicious soups.

Our Treehouse garden is a place of growth and possibilities. A space where we can all flourish over the summer and meet up in the fall for our annual Soup Off! Here’s to Memorial Day, summer, and the good people at Treehouse. May we enjoy this season and one another in the best ways possible!

African Drums

Last week we gathered under a big white tent to celebrate my daughter’s college graduation. Friends, family members, faculty, and a student body of smart young women were launched out into the world with the blessings of their own personal communities gathered from around the country. Similar celebrations of academic achievements and life passages were taking place all over the country.

The morning began with African drummers. Their powerful music filled the tent as the students and faculty began their way toward us. People of all ages began swaying in anticipation of the graduates’ arrival. When their caps and gowns became visible, a hush came over the crowd. When the diverse group of young women entered the tent, whoops of joy filled the air. The mood was festive and joyful.

One of my favorite memories was when the first young woman walked across the stage to receive her diploma. As the college president reached out to offer her congratulations, the graduate’s father rose from his seat and exclaimed, “Thank you Lord!” We all laughed, appreciating the sentiment. There was similar laughter when a group of proud brothers stood and proclaimed, “That’s MY sister!” This was a graduation ceremony full of joy, goodwill, family, friends, and lots of love – just the kind of celebration every young person deserves as she/he is heading out into the world.

Afterwards there was a luncheon on the lawn and the opportunity for family and friends to take photographs. As I look at the myriad of photos on my husband’s laptop, I am struck by the profound importance of being surrounded by a community of people who believe in you, support you, and want the best for you; people who stand up and cheer when you walk across the stage of life.

When they are infants, we hold our young babies in our arms and stand in awe of their potential, and all of the possibilities that life holds for them. If they are children of wealth, they are given every possible opportunity to experience, engage, and to savor a rich array of life experiences. If they are children of poverty it’s a different story.

Children of poverty who experience foster care need us to understand that the most important things we can do in this country is look at life in the public foster care system though their eyes. To pay attention, to listen, and then to be compelled to act.. They need us to invest in them. Wouldn’t it be amazing accomplishment if the responsible adults in each region of America figured out better ways to get communities of people to surround each child in their neighborhood so that when they walk across “their stage” we will be there cheering, clapping, and calling out, “That’s OUR child!”

Nine Years Ago Today

Nine years ago today I was at work when the phone rang. The call was from the lovely social worker who had done our home study when we applied to become foster parents. My husband and I had just finished her MAPP Training classes the night before. We were now official foster parents.

“Judy, we have two little sisters who we are desperate to keep together,” she said. “They are 5 months old and 17 months old. Would you take them into your home?” I immediately called my husband and phoned her back. “Yes! We would love to open our home to two little sisters.”

“We’ll drop them off at your house in an hour,” she said. “They’ve already been to the doctor and are ready for placement.” “Can I have two hours?” I asked. “I don’t have car seats, high chairs, a crib or any diapers. I need to go pick up my daughter from school. We’ll go shopping on our way home.”

I picked up my 12 year old daughter and told her she was going to be a big sister in a few hours. We drove over to Toys R Us and walked toward the Diaper Wall. Luckily there was a woman standing there who looked like she knew what she was doing. I hadn’t been the parent of an infant for 12 years. I turned to her and asked, “Five months old and seventeen months old?” She smiled and told my daughter to go get another shopping cart. Then she guided us through the store, loading us up with all of the infant/toddler products we needed to welcome the girls to our home. Luckily I owned a specialty toy store so the Play Room in our house was ready and waiting.

We arrived home and removed all of our bags from the car just in time. We looked up and saw the social workers enter the driveway. My husband’s car drove in a few seconds later. We walked up to the social worker. She asked my daughter to open the door for a gorgeous little seventeen month old who looked

up with a bright smile and big brown eyes. “Mom, I think I just fell in love,” I heard as I opened the door on my side of the car and looked into the face of a beautiful little five month old baby girl.

That moment in time is frozen in my memory, just like the births of my 27 and 21 year olds. Memorable and life changing, joyous and profound. On that day nine years ago, I began a new life’s journey with two beautiful little sisters as my teachers and guides. Along the way, my life has been tremendously enriched.

As I watched the girls horse back riding last week, looking so strong and confident in their saddles, I remembered all of the times we said goodnight to the horses when they were little. I remembered the day we went to Drumlin Farm and they fed the skunk a worm they dug up in the potato patch. I remembered the way they leapt into my arms as I stood in the swimming pool, making chocolate chip cookies, and all of the baths they took in the kitchen sink.

As we celebrate this nine year anniversary I am filled with gratitude for the girls, their family, and all that they have taught me. They have inspired me to bring innovation and change into the world of child welfare. They have encouraged me to think outside of the foster care box. They have cheered me on as I raise money to create new national models, collaborate with others to launch innovative programs, and encourage the world to find their lives worthy of investment.

Tonight when I see the first star in the sky, I will send up a wish for all of our children who experience foster care – a wish that they will each have caring adults in their lives who are paying attention to the lessons they have to teach us.Then I will send up a prayer of thanksgiving.

Trot Trot to Boston

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting on the floor with five little toddlers on my outstretched legs. Their beautiful faces were full of anticipation – eyes wide open, big grins on their faces, waiting for me to begin. I started:

Trot, trot to Boston.
Trot, trot to Lynn.
Trot, trot to Salem.
Don’t fall in……

I opened my legs and they tumbled into a big heap on the floor, a giggling mass of arms and legs. Then they popped up sweetly shouting, “More! More!”

I think we must have done Trot Trot to Boston at least two dozen times before stopping for a snack. We were having such a good time. The kids were all between the ages of 18 months and 3 years. They were living together in the same foster home just outside of Boston. I was a new foster parent and we were visiting before heading over to the Children’s Museum for the afternoon.

As we sat down at the snack table in the kitchen, I was making friends with the reality that these delicious little children who I was playing with were invisible to most people. I was just beginning to realize that the majority of Americans believe that the lives of children who experience foster care are unworthy of our investment. I was thinking about the outcomes of community disengagement and began to imagine a different future for children who we remove from their homes and place in the public foster care system.

I glanced around the table. So much beauty, so much potential, so much unadulterated joy….. The future. That was the moment I knew I had to sell my businesses and become a full time child advocate. That was the moment I knew that I had to take my love of children and my love of collaborating with innovative thinkers to re-design the way we care for our most vulnerable children in America. That was the day when I dedicated myself to blessing the lives of children who experience foster care.

I have no idea where those five little toddlers who played Trot Trot to Boston with me are today. I know how much they inspired me that day and every other time we visited their foster home. I know the role that they have played in the development of the Treehouse Foundation, our first intergenerational Treehouse Community, Sibling Connections, Camp To Belong MA, Sibling Sundays, We Are Family, The Big Red Barn, Outreach Farm, and all of the other programs that are in development. I know how grateful I am to them for teaching me the importance of their lives. I wish them the very best life has to offer and hope that their families are blessing their lives each and every day.

Grace and Flexibility

Walking the dog through our beautiful little neighborhood cemetery is one of my favorite daily rituals. Following the paths as they meander up and down gentle rolling hills fills me with peace. I am always comforted by the cemetery’s thoughtful design and the multitude of trees that line its walkways.

Today as I strolled past a big maple tree sprouting spring buds, I recalled a day this past winter when an ice storm had bent the tree’s branches all the way to the slippery path below. I was in awe of this tall tree’s ability to be so flexible. Not one branch was broken. As my dog and I entered the quiet sanctuary formed by its branches, I was wowed by this awesome display of grace and flexibility and remembered the first time I encountered it in a human relationship. For that I thank Dr. Ross Greene, author The Explosive Child.

Drs. Ross Greene and Stuart Ablon run The Center for Collaborative Problem Solving. The Center provides clinical services, training and consultation to assist parents, educators, mental health and medical professionals in understanding the collaborative problem solving approach. The Center has developed a more humane way of looking at children who experience rigid thinking and chronic frustration. The Center teaches us that the challenges the children face are best understood as by-products of lagging cognitive skills and demonstrates that they are best addressed by teaching children the skills they lack. This is radical thinking.

The collaborative problem solving approach asks adults that might be living and working with children who experience rigid thinking, to embrace grace and flexibility in a whole new way. CPS allows adults to transition to a place of partnership with a child in order to move beyond rigid adult thinking that can often set kids up for frustration and failure. Teaching the kinds of cognitive skills that children who experience chronic frustration require involves three basic steps:

1. Empathy/Reassurance: to identify and understand the child’s concern about a given issue and to reassure her or him that imposition of adult will is not how the problem will be resolved.
2. Define the Problem: to identify the adults’ concerns about the same issue.
3. The Invitation: to invite the child to brainstorm solutions together with the adult, with the ultimate goal of agreeing on a plan of action that is both realistic and mutually satisfactory – creating a win/win situation.

These three steps are not that complicated. Last night I observed a parent and child engage in collaborative problem solving at my daughter’s school. A parent was picking up his child who appeared agitated. He jumped up on his dad and hollered, “ I’m starving! Can we go for pizza? I’m starving! I want to go to Bertucci’s right now!” The parent wanted to go home and change his clothes. He said quietly, “ You want pizza now. You are starving.” The boy nodded his head. The dad said, “You want pizza now. I would like to go home and change my clothes and then go have pizza. What do you think we should do?”

This simple statement and follow up question demonstrated to the boy that his dad was not interested in controlling the situation. It showed that he was listening and willing to be flexible. In fact, he was modeling flexible thinking skills. He had an idea in his head but wanted to hear his son’s thoughts on the subject. He was like the tree in the cemetery – full of grace and flexibility.

The boy who had been ready for a struggle, looked his dad in the eye and said, “Dad, I haven’t had anything to eat except a bag of pretzels and juice since lunch. How about if we eat pizza first this time and next time you can go home and change first next time?” The dad responded with, “You are really hungry. I have a bag of popcorn in the car. Can you eat that now so you are not so terribly hungry? Then I can quickly drive home and change.” The boy said, “Mom doesn’t like me to eat filler foods. I think I need dinner.” The dad ruffled the kid’s hair, laughed, and said, “OK. That’s a good point. Let’s go eat first. I can do that!” Instead of disintegrating into a polarizing public spectacle, this situation spiraled up. The boy and his dad went out the door laughing. It was a win-win.

Just think: in addition to developing skills that are crucial to learning how to be flexible and tolerate frustration, imagine the trust that this dad was building with his son. CPS is such a powerful tool. I honor what Drs. Greene and Ablon are offering us. It’s a humane and enlightened approach – one that has the potential to help children and adults do well in all areas of their life.

Ubuntu

Affirming the dignity and personhood of each child who has been placed in the public foster care system is the next step in our country’s evolution. Finding new ways to embrace and care for our children and move forward with honesty and compassion is our tomorrow. Erasing the debilitating legacies of poverty, incarceration, joblessness, dismal educational outcomes, and homelessness is the first step.

We are a nation of communicators. But it seems that what we communicate about most often does not always lead to connection. Disconnection is the outcome. It has allowed us to step into our class, race, gender, and age roles and lead compartmentalized lives. The result: we have become a nation separated from each other and from the essence of our humanity. We have lost our individual and collective ubuntu.

I was first introduced to the concept of ubuntu in Desmond Tutu’s book, No Future Without Forgiveness. Ubuntu is a South African word from the Bantu language family. According to Tutu:

“Ubuntu is very difficult to render into a Western language. It speaks of the very essence of being human. When we want to give high praise to someone we say, “Yu, u nobuntu”; “Hey, so-and-so has ubuntu.” Then you are generous, you are hospitable, you are friendly and caring and compassionate. You share what you have. It is to say, “My humanity is caught up, is inextricably bound up in yours.” We belong in a bundle of life. We say, “A person is a person through other persons.” It is not, “I think therefore I am.” It says rather, “I am human because I belong. I participate, I share.” A person with ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper self assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed, or treated as if they were less than who they are.

Harmony, friendliness, community are great goods. Social harmony is for us the summum bonum – the greatest good. Anything that subverts, that undermines this sought-after good, is to be avoided like the plague. Anger, resentment, lust for revenge, even success though aggressive competitiveness, are corrosive of this good. To forgive is not just to be altruistic. It is the best form of self-interest. What dehumanizes you inexorably dehumanizes me. It gives people resilience, enabling them to survive and emerge still human despite all efforts to dehumanize them.”

”My humanity is caught up, is inextricably bound up in yours.”

“A person is a person through other persons.”

“I am human because I belong.”

These three sentences show us how to honor one another in the best ways possible. They encourage us to replace the huge gap between children who experience foster care and their peers who have not with equal opportunity. They urge us to dedicate ourselves to erasing the enormous disparities between the rich and the poor and to dismantle all of the ways that we keep poverty and racism alive. They show us that when we eradicate the root causes of foster care and strengthen the lives of our most vulnerable children, families, and communities, we will be a people with ubuntu – a people living with the greatest good for all in our hearts and our minds.

Beyond It Takes a Village

Recently I read an article titled, “If It Takes a Village to Raise a Child, How Many Children Does It Take to Raise the Village?” That inspired me to think outside the box. Harry Wilson, author of the article, is the Associate Commissioner for the country’s Administration on Children, Youth, and Families. He encourages all elders to consider creating a new approach to strengthening our villages – one that involves inviting our children and youth into the conversation. Now that’s a win-win-win; for the village, its youth, and the responsible adults who guide them forward.

According to Wilson, “The National Research Council proclaimed recently that 75 percent of American youth are doing quite well, but a quarter of our young people are missing some or all of their protective factors and lack critical developmental assets. As a result, these young people are deemed seriously “at risk”. For these young people, at least, the “village” has not lived up to its commitment.”

This is certainly true for the thousands of youth who quietly “age out” of the public foster care system in this country. Every year when they turn 18, they launch out into the world alone without the resources, skills or connections they need to succeed. One day they are surrounded by an array of supports. The next day they blow out their birthday candles and find themselves with no support at all. Without any safety nets, many end up homeless, unemployed, incarcerated, prone to substance abuse, and stuck in a life of poverty and hopelessness.

The reality is that our children are voiceless and powerless. They do not vote. They count on responsible adults in their “villages” to advocate on their behalf. Some do. Most don’t. When I read Harry Wilson’s article suggesting that we invite our youth into the conversation I began asking, “Who is best qualified to teach us about what our young people are experiencing in foster care in America?” The answer was crystal clear: the children themselves. They can give us the inside perspective that will enable us to assess how healthy our “villages” are. They can help us articulate what is working and what we need to change. They can help us weave reality-based social responsibility into the fabric of our everyday lives.

We have successfully used this inclusive new village model in our sibling connection work. The results of inviting young people into the conversation and spending time listening ripples out into families and communities: social workers change their practice, foster/adoptive parents make sibling connection a priority in their families, and legislators and the public are beginning to understand the important role long connections play in a child’s well-being.

What we are learning is that our children and youth who experience foster care would appreciate additional opportunities to join with the elders in their villages – to forge meaningful relationships, to make sorely needed improvements, to humanize the foster care experience, to educate and inform their village elders about the realities they face every day, and to become valued members of their communities. It would behoove us to invite them in, listen to their stories, and partner with them. Imagine what rich learning will take place if we choose to collaborate with the very children we are seeking to serve.

Harry Wilson states, “When elders welcome young people, accept their fresh perspectives, and tap into their abundant energy, they create a much stronger village. In these enlightened communities young people are celebrated for their citizenship and see themselves as the collective hope for the future. At the end of the day the village and the child are indispensable to one another, are in tune with each other, and will share lifetimes of moving ahead together.” Let’s do it!

Put a Little Love in Your Heart

Yesterday New England experienced a late winter storm. While the weather outside was frightful, inside the Treehouse Community Center, a group of folks were cozy and warm.

We were celebrating birthdays, life, and each other at our monthly tea. Yesterday’s theme: Valentine’s Day. Attending Tea Time at Treehouse means coming down to the Community Center and being treated to delicious sweet and savory treats, lively conversation, and a good cup of your favorite tea. Tea pots, creamers and sugar bowls are lined up on trays next to an array of black, green, white, and herb teas.

Several of us were humming “Put a Little Love in Your Heart!” while placing a mouth watering fruit tart and chocolate mousse cake on their cake plates. “I hope when you decide kindness will be your guide” we sang as we put two-bite brownies on heart plates.

Since it was a “snow day”, the kids were home from school. They were in and out of the kitchen, asking how to say things in Spanish, grabbing a bite between practicing their guitar playing, and talking about whose birthdays would be celebrated in March.

The atmosphere at Tea Time is always warm and friendly. People browse the buffet, make a pot of their favorite tea, and pull up a chair. Folks of all races, ages, interests, and abilities gather to share the moment. Every month different people show up. Life events, news, and the weather determine the course of our conversation. Yesterday people were discussing the births of grandchildren and great grandchildren, how to play “Happy Birthday” on the guitar, the way to make a proper cup of British tea, and the presidential race.

One lovely young teen, who just received her first guitar, entertained us with a song she wrote. I know she felt our collective pride when she finished singing and put her guitar down. Looking back at her were family members, neighbors, and friends. We were clapping enthusiastically.

As Tea Time wound down, a group of teens and adults retired to the Library to watch Barack Obama’s “Yes We Can” video on YouTube. Some of the younger kids followed along to use the computers. One mom sat down and took out her needlepoint. We listened to good music, including someone’s cousin who sang a powerful rendition of an old love ballad. I laughed when his aunt said, “I had NO idea he had such a beautiful voice. He never even sings in the car!”

After a while, we headed back to the kitchen to clean up. Kids and adults grabbed brooms, washed dishes, and straightened up. As I was washing off some tables, I could hear one of the kids softly singing, “Put a little love in your heart baby, put a little love in your heart. And the world will be a better place. Thank you Jackie DeShannon!”

Life on Treehouse Circle

Why build an intergenerational neighborhood where families who are adopting children from foster care live with elders? At Treehouse we believe that when families raising children who have experienced foster care live together in an intergenerational village with high quality, stable housing and responsive community supports, it increases the likelihood that children will grow up with enduring family and community relationships that promote their health and well-being, as well as the health and well-being of all of the adults that surround them. A Treehouse parent described it so well:

“Here’s the BIG PICTURE VISION that I have:
I think our vision is … to create a village, a web of people who reach in to offer support and help. Not in a gushy way, but in an instinctively practical way, where we do what’s needed to make life work more easily for the whole. Having the basic assumption be that we are interdependent!

So much in our society is isolated, fragmented, too fast, impermanent; we’re expected to be strong and independent nuclear families, like that’s a natural thing. It’s totally unnatural, when you look at how humans evolved – in interdependent hunter/gatherer groups, banded together for survival and companionship. We’re meant to have all ranges of ages, we’re meant to have the youngest learn from the oldest, and for the oldest to feel renewed with the youngest, to pass down the experience.

I believe it’s the best way to create a wider “clan” and to help kids who’ve been ripped out of their birth context and who have had such a tough start. The analogy I see best is that they are like a piece of fabric that’s been ripped out of its original place in a tapestry – normally, adoptive parents have to simultaneously hold the children and try to weave them into their isolated section, using themselves and their personal network. At Treehouse, we can have parents concentrate on holding the children, while letting the larger community – where we all live and play and walk and see each other in organic contexts – weave a stronger and richer, more textured fabric to secure them in their new place. Many threads make a stronger bond than a few.”

Living and working in such a rich and diverse neighborhood is a remarkable experience. Building trust and relationships, thoughtfully establishing a flexible and responsive neighborhood – that takes time, for both children and adults. The biggest gift: that there are over 100 people living on Treehouse Circle, ranging in age from 1 – 85 years. We are not perfect. We are human. We are in process. That means we are all learning something valuable every day and along the way, lives are being enhanced. I felt it all day yesterday: watching kids and adults playing with hula hoops, folks cooking in the kitchen, people preparing for Saturday’s Bake Sale. Then I experienced it again last night. You should have seen the faces of the elders playing cards! First I heard their laughter. Then I saw their smiles…. People of all ages feeling connected, belonging, sharing their lives. What could be more valuable?

Sibling Reunion

Sibling Sundays is a remarkable year-round program that celebrates the sibling connection. Every month sisters and brothers who have been separated when placed in foster care come together to spend the day. At this time of year we go sledding, build snow forts, eat pizza, drink hot chocolate, decorate Valentine cookies, and create a treasure trove of shared childhood memories.

This past week, if you had been with us, you would have seen about 20 sisters and brothers gathered at tables sprinkling colorful decorations on homemade Valentine cookies. The kids were sitting with their sibling groups and counselors, smiles on their faces. Some had pink frosting on their lips.

In their midst sat a brother and a sister who had not seen each other for seven years. Their extended family of adoptive parents, counselors, and another sister were at the table decorating with them. Cookies were being passed back and forth, laughter flowed, and a big brother – little sister relationship was being woven back together. This was a reunion that made my heart sing…

The pain of their separation had a profound impact on this big brother: “That morning I left home and went to school. It was a regular day. I was in the first grade. After school a social worker picked me up and told me I wasn’t going home. My baby sister was in the car. The social worker drove us to a house and stopped the car. She told me to wait. She took my sister’s car seat out and carried her up to the front door of the house. That was the day my little sister disappeared from my life.”

This young man loves his little sister deeply. Over the past seven years he has frequently asked himself the question, “What if I didn’t let the social worker take her from the car?” He did not understand that he was powerless to do anything about his family’s situation. He was a 6 year old in the first grade. He had felt responsible for her well-being long before she was carried to her foster mother’s front door so in his mind, he had allowed her to disappear from his family.

One of his sisters stayed connected to their little sister. He heard through the grapevine that she had been adopted by a wonderful family. He saw some photographs. But he never got to see her or talk with her. He never got to eat breakfast with her, sit next to her in the car, watch TV or celebrate her birthday with her. First grade, second grade, third grade, fourth grade, fifth grade, sixth grade, seventh grade. He worried, felt guilty and waited.

On Sunday, when I quietly re-introduced them, she went up to him and gave him a hug. She did not fully understanding who he was. He knew that she did not remember him in the same way that he remembered her – that she did not remember their life together in the same way. He had heard that this was the first of many steps in their relationship building. He hugged her back, took a deep breath, and went on to spend the day with her. He spent time with her adoptive family, experiencing their kindness and love. He shared how nervous he had been that morning before they arrived.

At 4:00 PM, after a day of decorating cookies, sharing pizza, and horseback riding, his little sister began to understand their family situation more fully. Seated in the back seat of the car between her big sister and brother, she asked, “Why was I separated from my family?” The adults in the car began to formulate the most appropriate response. In the meantime, her big sister answered her question in a manner both simple and direct. The little sister listened, nodded, and leaned into her big brother. Then she asked when they were coming to Sibling Sundays again.

Safety, well-being, respectful collaboration, and connection. Common sense and humanity. Blessing the lives around us. We can transform the lives of 800,000 children by weaving appropriate safety nets over, under and around them. We can make it right. Imagine a country where colorful safety nets full of caring people, tremendous opportunities, and an abundance of resources are the norm. Imagine that!

Their Needs Will Become Our Compass

The task of our generation is to pass on a legacy of leading-edge thinking that cuts through the illusion that we are separate and connects us in more humane ways. I personally hope to leave a legacy that inspires young people to continually ask themselves, “What Would I Attempt To Do If I Knew I Would Not Fail?”

It is important to me that I leave a legacy that compels the next generation to lead groundbreaking change and transform our limiting beliefs about what is possible regarding foster care – a legacy that shows we have done the math and are paying attention. One that says, “We see the faces of children in foster care and we are not looking away.” One that makes the statement, “We are committed to making sure that their needs will become our compass.”

Over the past six years I have partnered with several hundred young people who share my passion for creating new national models. What is so encouraging to me is they embody a level of enthusiasm that shouts “You are worthy!” to kids in care. They have not put a lid on the foster care box. Instead, they are eager to embrace the kids, each new program idea, and the task of creating a whole new foster care paradigm.

The amazing volunteer counselors in the Camp To Belong MA program, the fabulous folks who volunteer for Sibling Sundays, their peers at the Big Red Barn, the Treehouse community garden, those engaged in Treehouse internships, mentoring programs, community activities, dance, arts and out of school time events – all of these young people bring intelligence, warmth, goodness, and great ideas to the table. The kids adore them and are delighted to have cool role models in their midst. They inspire, delight, teach, and encourage the kids to reach higher. They ride on banana boats, teach double dutch, sing songs, dress up in newspaper outfits, and play silly games. They hold fundraising events and share their excitement with their friends and family members.

I remember one day last spring when we were all playing in the rain. One of the kids ran up to me and said, “Judy, this is the most fun day of my life! I never knew adults could have so much fun!” Imagine what a gift it is for a child who has experienced challenging beginnings to be surrounded by caring people who are available on a regular basis – people of all ages, from diverse cultures, who dance, play, sing, and celebrate life…

When I first walked through the doors of child welfare I was struck by the lack of color, connection, and opportunity. I felt a strong desire to change that reality and knew it was going to take youth, great energy, and a dedicated corps of volunteers to turn things around. Over the past four years I have felt things shifting. I feel it every day at Treehouse where neighbors of all ages are reaching out to one another in ways that Ted Koppel called, “so old fashioned, it’s new.” Last summer I felt it while blowing up balloons for our camp-wide birthday party and when DMC was singing “Walk This Way!” to a group of totally jazzed campers and counselors. It’s a great recipe for change:

* Young people who are enthusiastic and open minded
* Children who are grateful for new opportunities coming their way
* People of all ages headed in a new direction holding child-centered compasses in their hands….

Robin Hood Wannabe

The root cause of foster care is poverty. If you look at the key factors that lead to foster care placements you will find poverty’s fingerprints on each one: hopelessness, despair, dismal educational experiences and outcomes, untreated physical and mental illnesses, joblessness, homelessness, incarceration, abuse, neglect, teen pregnancy.

When I first became a foster parent it struck me as odd that so many people did not seem to make the connection between poverty and foster care. I remember comments people made as I carried my absolutely beautiful five-month old foster daughter in her baby carrier. Comments made by well-educated, middle and upper middle class women. Many of them were meeting a child experiencing foster care for the first time. “Don’t those women know about birth control?” was a frequent question. “I’m glad you’re doing this but I wouldn’t” was another. “I couldn’t give them back” was also a common statement. I would have these very interesting conversations with people who should have made the connection between poverty and foster care. I learned so much in a very short time. These women were a gift to me. They illuminated some of the core reasons for the invisibility and stigma children experiencing foster care face. I knew that a new national conversation needed to take place. One filled with possibilities, community based solutions, and new ways for people to become informed and connect.

After those encounters I began looking for some inspirational mentors and role models to guide me forward. I was looking to other social entrepreneurs, visionaries, and leading edge thinkers in the non-profit world. That’s when I discovered the Robin Hood Foundation and became a Robin Hood Wannabe. Thank you Paul Tudor Jones!

The Robin Hood Foundation targets poverty in New York City. Since 1988 it has raised more than $1 billion from wealthy donors who trust the Robin Hood to spend their money to fight poverty in NYC. Their approach is simple. First they gather an impressive board that is deeply committed to investing money in programs designed to attack poverty in all its forms. Then they protect and leverage their investments by helping visionaries and social entrepreneurs become more effective. The board takes care of all staff salaries and operational expenses for the Foundation so that every cent that is donated goes directly to programming. Finally, Robin Hood rigorously evaluates every program it funds.

There are other groups around the country that surround visionary leaders and promising programs with dollars, expertise, board members, and the kind of technical assistance required to improve the odds for the people and communities they serve. I would be grateful to be involved with any of these fine organizations. Maybe it’s the fact that Robin Hood was my first taste in hedge fund philanthropy. Maybe it’s simply what Robin Hood stands for. I don’t know. But I do know that there are definitely days when I dream of being in NYC surrounded by their expertise, financial resources, and A+ thinking.

Check out their website. They have a gift for visually engaging visitors. The numbers for each statistic swiftly tally up right before your eyes:

* 50% of youth who age out of foster care end up homeless or in jail.
* 60% of boys in NYC don’t graduate high school. (I wish they said “graduate from high school” but that’s another discussion..)
* 34,000 people slept in NYC shelters last night. Nearly half were children.
* 40% of families living in poverty in NYC have a working head of household.
* One third of women return to abusive partners because they can’t find housing.
* 4 teenage girls out of every 10 in the US become pregnant by the age 20.
* 1 in 3 people at NYC soup kitchens and food pantries is a child.

Robin Hood shows how much they value people in their presentation. Their work is about saving lives. You get a sense of the importance of your involvement. Words like “Target” and “Donate Now” flash before you. It’s a results oriented approach that’s working. We should be replicating Robin Hood everywhere.

What I wouldn’t do to have an investment team like Robin Hood partner with me so that children who experience foster care in America could have access to all of the resources they need to succeed – individually, at home, in school, in their neighborhoods, and as they prepare for life as healthy and engaged adults.

February and Beyond

Last night at Treehouse we culminated Black History Month with a community wide celebration filled with amazing performances that will live in the annals of Treehouse history for a long time!

For the past couple of months a committee called “February and Beyond”, made up of our young people and adults, met on a regular basis to create a celebration to honor the lives of African Americans who inspire us to bridge our country’s ethnic divides every day of the year.

From the moment the WELCOME! sign was unfurled, there was appreciation and excitement in the room. One by one our children took the stage. They filled us with pride as they read poems, shared quotes, sang Gospel songs, performed pantomimes, and played the guitar while singing songs they had written. In between their acts, we were moved by adults who sang beautiful renditions of their favorites and shared pieces of black history that inspired them in their daily lives.

It was an evening when the rich diversity of our community was recognized, honored, and held up high for all to see. It was an evening showcasing thoughtfulness, respect, and talent. It was an evening that brought together the young and the young at heart. It was an evening when our children were told, “You are the future!” and then shown that the adults in their lives are standing shoulder to shoulder to cheer them forward in the best ways possible.

Community building has been the primary focus of Treehouse for the past year and a half. As we get to know one another we strive to honor our diversity of race, class, age, and culture. We work together to value the diversity of ideas, talents, and passions in our midst.

Last night we had an opportunity to share new facets of ourselves and to learn more about one another – our hopes, dreams, talents, and passions. We also learned more about what we have in common. As I sat in the audience, drinking in each performance, I felt a profound sense of integrity in the room. I was reminded of the quote, “It does not matter what lies behind us or what lies before us. What matters lies within us.” As I drove home, I felt such gratitude for the opportunity to once again bless each other’s lives and honor the sacred within us all.

Where To Begin…

What do you remember from your childhood? Do you recall a special memory with your sibling? Blowing out birthday candles, playing tag outside until dark, welcoming home your first pet? These joyful childhood memories are so important to our health and well-being. Sisters and brothers who experience foster care cherish their sibling relationships. However, once they enter the foster care system it is often difficult for social workers to find enough foster homes for them to be placed together. The result: more than 75% of siblings are separated from each other when removed from their homes.

What can we do to support children who live with this reality? I think one of the easiest ways for people to help transform the lives of thousands of siblings who are separated is to become involved in or create sibling connection initiatives in your area of the country.

I am involved with three sibling connection programs through a really wonderful non-profit organization called Sibling Connections: Camp To Belong MA, Sibling Sundays and We Are Family! Each of these programs provides developmentally appropriate opportunities for siblings to re-connect. Each program is designed to offer a specific experience: summer camp, year round sibling connection events for older kids, and sibling connection opportunities for little sisters and brothers. Each program helps sisters and brothers form healthy sibling relationships, exposes them to new opportunities, and enhances their well-being. They are non-traditional, innovative and fun.

FYI: The quality of volunteers that make these programs possible is simply outstanding. It is clear to me that people are eager to participate in stellar programs serving children who experience foster care. This is especially true of college students and young adults. All we need to do is provide them with a compelling Menu of Engagement Opportunities.

Each of the three programs that we have launched require a Coordinator, Steering Committee and a group of wonderful volunteers. You can establish your own non-profit organization like we did or you can approach an existing non-profit and/or cutting-edge child welfare agency that is already supporting children experiencing foster care to see if they might be willing to partner with you to create a sibling connection program.

Each example mentioned requires that folks fundraise dollars to operate the program. All require partnering with social workers and child welfare agencies in your area, both to make sure you are following state guidelines for child safety, and so your program can become a valued resource to children in your area.

Creating community partnerships to accomplish fundraising for sibling connection programs is doable because everyone understands the value of siblings spending time together. Most people are not even aware that siblings are separated when placed in foster care and, when they become aware of this reality, step right up to offer their expertise, in-kind services, financial support, and/or to become volunteers. It is a wonderful entry point for engagement. It also offers a wide spectrum of engagement options so that many more people can become involved. If they are unable to volunteer, folks can support the program in a variety of other ways.

Here are some great examples of ways that folks have supported our Camp To Belong MA program:

1. Youth celebrating their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs request that family and friends donate money to CTB MA to honor the occasion rather than giving them gifts.
2. Youth celebrating their birthdays request that family and friends donate gift cards to our Birthday Store to support our camp wide Birthday Party.
3. Campers and families at a local day camp donate sleeping bags, pillows, flashlights, duffle bags, water bottles, and journals/pens to campers.
4. Local quilters sew Sibling Pillows for siblings to decorate and give to each other.
5. A scrapbook company donates scrapbooks and expertise to campers so they can hold their memories close all year long.
6. Local bakeries donate cupcakes for our Birthday Party Fiesta.
7. A generous individual donor gifts each camper with their own disposable camera.
8. A game company donates boxes of games for campers to use in their cabins during Rest Time.
9. A group of local stay at home moms host “CTB MA Friendraisers” to provide much needed dollars for program materials and camp activities and events.
10. An accounting firm offers financial support and encourages its staff to be counselors for our week long and year round programs.

I invite you to transform the lives of children by creating a sibling connection program in your region now. Click on the Links for Camp To Belong, Sibling Connections, and the Center for Family Connections for more information and ideas.

An Updated Recipe

Yesterday as my daughter and I were walking through Crate and Barrel on our way out of the mall, a cherished childhood baking memory popped into my head. It was triggered by the sight of a hand-held sifter that looked just like the one my mom had when I was a little girl. I knew right away that I had to buy it and give my daughter the experience of making homemade popovers. I could see my daughter at our kitchen counter with her apron on, squeezing the sifter’s handle, and watching transfixed as the flour floated down from the sifter into the mixing bowl.

My enthusiasm for this popover adventure was contagious. My daughter skipped up to the register to tell the young woman what we were going to do when we got home. She told her that we needed to make some “testers” just to make sure that they would be good enough to take to next month’s Treehouse Tea.

We got home, washed our hands, and got out our ingredients. We pre-heated the oven and unwrapped our silver sifter. Naturally we needed four eggs and only had two, so I ran next door to borrow some. Then we began. The sifting experience was just as I had seen it in my mind’s eye. There is something magical about putting plain old flour in a sifter and watching it transform. My mom used to call it “fairy dust”. The smile on my daughter’s face told me she loved the experience as much as I had when I was her age, baking in my mom’s California kitchen.

Taking treasured moments from my childhood and bringing them forward into the present has always given me immense pleasure. I love creating happy childhood memories for the kids in my life. I feel contentment when several generations come together to share our lives. It’s a win-win for us all. The experiences provide us with a bank of shared memories and cements the feeling of belonging.

Life is lived in relationships. We all need to belong. Every person needs someone in their life who lights up when they walk into the room. This is especially true for our children. I light up when I encounter people who believe in me and inspire me to be a better human being. I watch kids light up while they are grooming a horse and then again in that moment when they climb up into the saddle. I see it when they hold a gentle bunny in their arms and experience kindness and compassion in other realms of their lives. I know my children light up every time they see their Aunt Jeannie because they can count on goodness and love coming their way.

This is what every child who is removed from their home and placed in foster care deserves to experience. It is the foster care experience re-defined. All it requires is a commitment to re-write the recipe – a heart healthy recipe that promotes life-long family and community connections. An updated recipe that takes generous amounts of respect, compassion, and integrity and mixes them up with fresh perspectives, wholesome resources, and organic programming that is grown locally. When these critical ingredients are blended together, they will transform the lives of 800,000 children. Instead of being powerless, invisible, and stigmatized, they will be strong, healthy, and empowered. They will be capable of tapping into their full potential because we have rewritten the recipe.

We need to make doing the right thing for children who experience foster care the norm. We need to make doing the right thing for children in our backyards second nature. We need to get every potential baker in this country to make some “testers” and try them out in their communities so we can take re-defining to the next level and enhance every child’s reality. Imagine the goodness we will yield – sustainable goodness that positively impacts lives, communities, and future generations.

A Larger Embrace

What if we could really change places with another human being and actually walk in their shoes? What if we could experience what another person’s life is really like? I remember reading Black Like Me as a young girl and being fascinated by the lessons the author shared. Now I wonder, what if children of privilege had a chance to become their peers in poverty and adults had a chance to become children in the public foster care system. What kind of transformation might take place?

Transformation happens when we broaden the dimension of our experience. Widening the scope of our personal lens leads us beyond our immediate comfort zone. It brings us into contact with a larger extended family of human beings and gives us a richer sense of connection and belonging.

Being a foster/adoptive parent has definitely expanded the dimension of my experience. My old notions of family have been replaced. What I once thought of as my family has broadened to embrace our daughter’s entire first family – parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins as well as great aunts and uncles. We have tweaked the definition of family and re-designed our framework for connection. Family ties mean something new and different.

We experience a larger embrace. One that feels honorable and right. I remember one evening when my daughter and I spent time with her birthmother and little sister. That night as she sat between her mother’s legs on a pink ball, having her hair braided, I sat on the couch with my feet on the coffee table. Her 4 year old sister was painting my toenails. Everyone was happy: the two mothers who both deeply love their daughter and two young sisters who were laughing and watching Dora the Explorer.

As I watched my toes being painted with what looked like a customized silver, pink, and purple concoction, I felt immense gratitude for this new family of mine. If someone had told me ten years ago that my daughter and her relatives were going to be in my life, I would have thought you were mistaken. Now, I can’t imagine it any other way. It’s healthy for my daughter to know us all together as a unit of caring family members, each with a place of honor and a different role and responsibility. It enhances her well-being. It gives her strength. Making friends with the reality of our complex blended family gives us all strength.

I’ll never forget the day she came home from school and said, “Mama, today one of my teachers asked me who my closest living relative is. I told her Mommy. She said, “No. I mean your adoptive parents.” I told her my tummy mommy is my closest living relative. She didn’t understand.” “That’s OK,” I responded. “You are teaching your teacher something new. She probably didn’t know that first families and adoptive families often share their lives. I’m really proud of you for teaching her that because Mommy is your closest living relative.” How empowering for a second grader who knows whose who in her family orchard!

Stretching past our immediate circle of people, knowledge, and experiences. Opening our arms to offer a larger embrace. We all benefit. We all rise.

What Will Happen If We Don’t Re-Envision Foster Care in America ??!

This is the question I asked myself when I first became a foster parent and was introduced to the everyday realities of the foster care system. When I entered the world of child welfare and looked carefully at the dismal outcomes for children who had experienced foster care, it was evident that there is a heavy price to pay for idly standing by and allowing our most vulnerable children to remain invisible. The children are taking a direct hit. Families and communities are greatly impacted as well.

Recently I read an interview with William Bell in the Casey Family Services’ newsletter VOICES. In it Mr. Bell, President and CEO of Casey Family Programs, said, “ If nothing changes in our child welfare system between now and the year 2020 nearly 14 million children will be confirmed as victims of child abuse or neglect. If nothing changes over this same period, approximately 9 million new children will enter the foster care system in America. Approximately 300,000 children will “age out” of the foster care system with the majority not adequately prepared for adulthood. But the most shocking factor is that if nothing changes with the child welfare system between now and the year 2020, approximately 22,500 children will die from child abuse or neglect in this country. Most of these children will die before their fifth birthday.”

That is the reality our children face. You and I have the knowledge and the power to reduce those numbers dramatically. All we need to do is begin engaging in our own backyard. It’s that simple. Support an existing program, create a new one, begin to care. Reach out to those around you. Bless them, weave innovative new safety nets under them, strengthen them. Our children are voiceless and powerless. They do not vote. They count on the responsible adults in their communities to do the right thing. Let’s show them that we consider them worthy and valuable. Begin your re-envisioning process today!

Taking the Lid off the Foster Care Box

In the fall of 1998 my husband handed me a newspaper article about a five-month old baby boy who had been kidnapped from his foster home while taking a nap. That story was a catalyst for us. We called the Department of Social Services the next day and signed up to become foster parents.

The experience has been simply amazing. I have gained so much respect for children who have been removed from their homes and placed in foster care. I have gained important insights into our regional and national foster care systems.

More importantly, I have also learned that children who experience foster care need us, all responsible adults in this country, to care enough about them to be in their lives every day, not just in times of crisis. They need us to be pro-active, innovative, and available.

Foster care in this country has become an abyss where 800,000 children have been involuntarily placed. Once in the abyss, they become members of a stigmatized club. A club whose members lack any specific identity until something goes wrong. Then the public rises up in anger, demanding that heads roll, and that the local child welfare agency who is legally responsible for the child pay in some way.

This is where we need to push the re-play button and take the time to go back and re-think the way we are caring for our most vulnerable children. We can do this differently. We can step up to the plate, become involved, disband the club, and begin granting children in foster care the dignity and respect they deserve.

First we can stop seeing them as “foster kids” – a mass of children who are quite simply all the same and whose lives are not important enough to invest in. We can begin to think and talk about them as children. Our children. We can begin to turn around and reach out to them with compassion and humanity. We can make them visible and worthy of our time, investment and involvement – as mentors, philanthropists, program advisors, and interested community members.

800,000 children… Many live in a world where danger lurks. We must stand up on their behalf, become visible heroes, and full time child advocates because they have no power and no voice. They need us to build exciting new programs, compelling safety nets, and vibrant communities of caring around them. They need us to fund our state child welfare agencies at optimum levels. We, as a nation, have been willing for far too long to take from our weakest when times get hard and turn our backs on children in need. We can change this. We have already begun.

I encourage everyone to reach out and become actively involved in your own way. Let us create a new world for kids who experience foster care – a world where people all across this country care enough to be connected every single day. A world where no child is put in the position of bouncing from through a system without enduring family relationships and community connections. Imagine what a difference it will make – individually, locally, regionally, and nationally.