Their Needs Will Become Our Compass

The task of our generation is to pass on a legacy of leading-edge thinking that cuts through the illusion that we are separate and connects us in more humane ways. I personally hope to leave a legacy that inspires young people to continually ask themselves, “What Would I Attempt To Do If I Knew I Would Not Fail?”

It is important to me that I leave a legacy that compels the next generation to lead groundbreaking change and transform our limiting beliefs about what is possible regarding foster care – a legacy that shows we have done the math and are paying attention. One that says, “We see the faces of children in foster care and we are not looking away.” One that makes the statement, “We are committed to making sure that their needs will become our compass.”

Over the past six years I have partnered with several hundred young people who share my passion for creating new national models. What is so encouraging to me is they embody a level of enthusiasm that shouts “You are worthy!” to kids in care. They have not put a lid on the foster care box. Instead, they are eager to embrace the kids, each new program idea, and the task of creating a whole new foster care paradigm.

The amazing volunteer counselors in the Camp To Belong MA program, the fabulous folks who volunteer for Sibling Sundays, their peers at the Big Red Barn, the Treehouse community garden, those engaged in Treehouse internships, mentoring programs, community activities, dance, arts and out of school time events – all of these young people bring intelligence, warmth, goodness, and great ideas to the table. The kids adore them and are delighted to have cool role models in their midst. They inspire, delight, teach, and encourage the kids to reach higher. They ride on banana boats, teach double dutch, sing songs, dress up in newspaper outfits, and play silly games. They hold fundraising events and share their excitement with their friends and family members.

I remember one day last spring when we were all playing in the rain. One of the kids ran up to me and said, “Judy, this is the most fun day of my life! I never knew adults could have so much fun!” Imagine what a gift it is for a child who has experienced challenging beginnings to be surrounded by caring people who are available on a regular basis – people of all ages, from diverse cultures, who dance, play, sing, and celebrate life…

When I first walked through the doors of child welfare I was struck by the lack of color, connection, and opportunity. I felt a strong desire to change that reality and knew it was going to take youth, great energy, and a dedicated corps of volunteers to turn things around. Over the past four years I have felt things shifting. I feel it every day at Treehouse where neighbors of all ages are reaching out to one another in ways that Ted Koppel called, “so old fashioned, it’s new.” Last summer I felt it while blowing up balloons for our camp-wide birthday party and when DMC was singing “Walk This Way!” to a group of totally jazzed campers and counselors. It’s a great recipe for change:

* Young people who are enthusiastic and open minded
* Children who are grateful for new opportunities coming their way
* People of all ages headed in a new direction holding child-centered compasses in their hands….

Robin Hood Wannabe

The root cause of foster care is poverty. If you look at the key factors that lead to foster care placements you will find poverty’s fingerprints on each one: hopelessness, despair, dismal educational experiences and outcomes, untreated physical and mental illnesses, joblessness, homelessness, incarceration, abuse, neglect, teen pregnancy.

When I first became a foster parent it struck me as odd that so many people did not seem to make the connection between poverty and foster care. I remember comments people made as I carried my absolutely beautiful five-month old foster daughter in her baby carrier. Comments made by well-educated, middle and upper middle class women. Many of them were meeting a child experiencing foster care for the first time. “Don’t those women know about birth control?” was a frequent question. “I’m glad you’re doing this but I wouldn’t” was another. “I couldn’t give them back” was also a common statement. I would have these very interesting conversations with people who should have made the connection between poverty and foster care. I learned so much in a very short time. These women were a gift to me. They illuminated some of the core reasons for the invisibility and stigma children experiencing foster care face. I knew that a new national conversation needed to take place. One filled with possibilities, community based solutions, and new ways for people to become informed and connect.

After those encounters I began looking for some inspirational mentors and role models to guide me forward. I was looking to other social entrepreneurs, visionaries, and leading edge thinkers in the non-profit world. That’s when I discovered the Robin Hood Foundation and became a Robin Hood Wannabe. Thank you Paul Tudor Jones!

The Robin Hood Foundation targets poverty in New York City. Since 1988 it has raised more than $1 billion from wealthy donors who trust the Robin Hood to spend their money to fight poverty in NYC. Their approach is simple. First they gather an impressive board that is deeply committed to investing money in programs designed to attack poverty in all its forms. Then they protect and leverage their investments by helping visionaries and social entrepreneurs become more effective. The board takes care of all staff salaries and operational expenses for the Foundation so that every cent that is donated goes directly to programming. Finally, Robin Hood rigorously evaluates every program it funds.

There are other groups around the country that surround visionary leaders and promising programs with dollars, expertise, board members, and the kind of technical assistance required to improve the odds for the people and communities they serve. I would be grateful to be involved with any of these fine organizations. Maybe it’s the fact that Robin Hood was my first taste in hedge fund philanthropy. Maybe it’s simply what Robin Hood stands for. I don’t know. But I do know that there are definitely days when I dream of being in NYC surrounded by their expertise, financial resources, and A+ thinking.

Check out their website. They have a gift for visually engaging visitors. The numbers for each statistic swiftly tally up right before your eyes:

* 50% of youth who age out of foster care end up homeless or in jail.
* 60% of boys in NYC don’t graduate high school. (I wish they said “graduate from high school” but that’s another discussion..)
* 34,000 people slept in NYC shelters last night. Nearly half were children.
* 40% of families living in poverty in NYC have a working head of household.
* One third of women return to abusive partners because they can’t find housing.
* 4 teenage girls out of every 10 in the US become pregnant by the age 20.
* 1 in 3 people at NYC soup kitchens and food pantries is a child.

Robin Hood shows how much they value people in their presentation. Their work is about saving lives. You get a sense of the importance of your involvement. Words like “Target” and “Donate Now” flash before you. It’s a results oriented approach that’s working. We should be replicating Robin Hood everywhere.

What I wouldn’t do to have an investment team like Robin Hood partner with me so that children who experience foster care in America could have access to all of the resources they need to succeed – individually, at home, in school, in their neighborhoods, and as they prepare for life as healthy and engaged adults.

February and Beyond

Last night at Treehouse we culminated Black History Month with a community wide celebration filled with amazing performances that will live in the annals of Treehouse history for a long time!

For the past couple of months a committee called “February and Beyond”, made up of our young people and adults, met on a regular basis to create a celebration to honor the lives of African Americans who inspire us to bridge our country’s ethnic divides every day of the year.

From the moment the WELCOME! sign was unfurled, there was appreciation and excitement in the room. One by one our children took the stage. They filled us with pride as they read poems, shared quotes, sang Gospel songs, performed pantomimes, and played the guitar while singing songs they had written. In between their acts, we were moved by adults who sang beautiful renditions of their favorites and shared pieces of black history that inspired them in their daily lives.

It was an evening when the rich diversity of our community was recognized, honored, and held up high for all to see. It was an evening showcasing thoughtfulness, respect, and talent. It was an evening that brought together the young and the young at heart. It was an evening when our children were told, “You are the future!” and then shown that the adults in their lives are standing shoulder to shoulder to cheer them forward in the best ways possible.

Community building has been the primary focus of Treehouse for the past year and a half. As we get to know one another we strive to honor our diversity of race, class, age, and culture. We work together to value the diversity of ideas, talents, and passions in our midst.

Last night we had an opportunity to share new facets of ourselves and to learn more about one another – our hopes, dreams, talents, and passions. We also learned more about what we have in common. As I sat in the audience, drinking in each performance, I felt a profound sense of integrity in the room. I was reminded of the quote, “It does not matter what lies behind us or what lies before us. What matters lies within us.” As I drove home, I felt such gratitude for the opportunity to once again bless each other’s lives and honor the sacred within us all.

Where To Begin…

What do you remember from your childhood? Do you recall a special memory with your sibling? Blowing out birthday candles, playing tag outside until dark, welcoming home your first pet? These joyful childhood memories are so important to our health and well-being. Sisters and brothers who experience foster care cherish their sibling relationships. However, once they enter the foster care system it is often difficult for social workers to find enough foster homes for them to be placed together. The result: more than 75% of siblings are separated from each other when removed from their homes.

What can we do to support children who live with this reality? I think one of the easiest ways for people to help transform the lives of thousands of siblings who are separated is to become involved in or create sibling connection initiatives in your area of the country.

I am involved with three sibling connection programs through a really wonderful non-profit organization called Sibling Connections: Camp To Belong MA, Sibling Sundays and We Are Family! Each of these programs provides developmentally appropriate opportunities for siblings to re-connect. Each program is designed to offer a specific experience: summer camp, year round sibling connection events for older kids, and sibling connection opportunities for little sisters and brothers. Each program helps sisters and brothers form healthy sibling relationships, exposes them to new opportunities, and enhances their well-being. They are non-traditional, innovative and fun.

FYI: The quality of volunteers that make these programs possible is simply outstanding. It is clear to me that people are eager to participate in stellar programs serving children who experience foster care. This is especially true of college students and young adults. All we need to do is provide them with a compelling Menu of Engagement Opportunities.

Each of the three programs that we have launched require a Coordinator, Steering Committee and a group of wonderful volunteers. You can establish your own non-profit organization like we did or you can approach an existing non-profit and/or cutting-edge child welfare agency that is already supporting children experiencing foster care to see if they might be willing to partner with you to create a sibling connection program.

Each example mentioned requires that folks fundraise dollars to operate the program. All require partnering with social workers and child welfare agencies in your area, both to make sure you are following state guidelines for child safety, and so your program can become a valued resource to children in your area.

Creating community partnerships to accomplish fundraising for sibling connection programs is doable because everyone understands the value of siblings spending time together. Most people are not even aware that siblings are separated when placed in foster care and, when they become aware of this reality, step right up to offer their expertise, in-kind services, financial support, and/or to become volunteers. It is a wonderful entry point for engagement. It also offers a wide spectrum of engagement options so that many more people can become involved. If they are unable to volunteer, folks can support the program in a variety of other ways.

Here are some great examples of ways that folks have supported our Camp To Belong MA program:

1. Youth celebrating their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs request that family and friends donate money to CTB MA to honor the occasion rather than giving them gifts.
2. Youth celebrating their birthdays request that family and friends donate gift cards to our Birthday Store to support our camp wide Birthday Party.
3. Campers and families at a local day camp donate sleeping bags, pillows, flashlights, duffle bags, water bottles, and journals/pens to campers.
4. Local quilters sew Sibling Pillows for siblings to decorate and give to each other.
5. A scrapbook company donates scrapbooks and expertise to campers so they can hold their memories close all year long.
6. Local bakeries donate cupcakes for our Birthday Party Fiesta.
7. A generous individual donor gifts each camper with their own disposable camera.
8. A game company donates boxes of games for campers to use in their cabins during Rest Time.
9. A group of local stay at home moms host “CTB MA Friendraisers” to provide much needed dollars for program materials and camp activities and events.
10. An accounting firm offers financial support and encourages its staff to be counselors for our week long and year round programs.

I invite you to transform the lives of children by creating a sibling connection program in your region now. Click on the Links for Camp To Belong, Sibling Connections, and the Center for Family Connections for more information and ideas.

An Updated Recipe

Yesterday as my daughter and I were walking through Crate and Barrel on our way out of the mall, a cherished childhood baking memory popped into my head. It was triggered by the sight of a hand-held sifter that looked just like the one my mom had when I was a little girl. I knew right away that I had to buy it and give my daughter the experience of making homemade popovers. I could see my daughter at our kitchen counter with her apron on, squeezing the sifter’s handle, and watching transfixed as the flour floated down from the sifter into the mixing bowl.

My enthusiasm for this popover adventure was contagious. My daughter skipped up to the register to tell the young woman what we were going to do when we got home. She told her that we needed to make some “testers” just to make sure that they would be good enough to take to next month’s Treehouse Tea.

We got home, washed our hands, and got out our ingredients. We pre-heated the oven and unwrapped our silver sifter. Naturally we needed four eggs and only had two, so I ran next door to borrow some. Then we began. The sifting experience was just as I had seen it in my mind’s eye. There is something magical about putting plain old flour in a sifter and watching it transform. My mom used to call it “fairy dust”. The smile on my daughter’s face told me she loved the experience as much as I had when I was her age, baking in my mom’s California kitchen.

Taking treasured moments from my childhood and bringing them forward into the present has always given me immense pleasure. I love creating happy childhood memories for the kids in my life. I feel contentment when several generations come together to share our lives. It’s a win-win for us all. The experiences provide us with a bank of shared memories and cements the feeling of belonging.

Life is lived in relationships. We all need to belong. Every person needs someone in their life who lights up when they walk into the room. This is especially true for our children. I light up when I encounter people who believe in me and inspire me to be a better human being. I watch kids light up while they are grooming a horse and then again in that moment when they climb up into the saddle. I see it when they hold a gentle bunny in their arms and experience kindness and compassion in other realms of their lives. I know my children light up every time they see their Aunt Jeannie because they can count on goodness and love coming their way.

This is what every child who is removed from their home and placed in foster care deserves to experience. It is the foster care experience re-defined. All it requires is a commitment to re-write the recipe – a heart healthy recipe that promotes life-long family and community connections. An updated recipe that takes generous amounts of respect, compassion, and integrity and mixes them up with fresh perspectives, wholesome resources, and organic programming that is grown locally. When these critical ingredients are blended together, they will transform the lives of 800,000 children. Instead of being powerless, invisible, and stigmatized, they will be strong, healthy, and empowered. They will be capable of tapping into their full potential because we have rewritten the recipe.

We need to make doing the right thing for children who experience foster care the norm. We need to make doing the right thing for children in our backyards second nature. We need to get every potential baker in this country to make some “testers” and try them out in their communities so we can take re-defining to the next level and enhance every child’s reality. Imagine the goodness we will yield – sustainable goodness that positively impacts lives, communities, and future generations.

A Larger Embrace

What if we could really change places with another human being and actually walk in their shoes? What if we could experience what another person’s life is really like? I remember reading Black Like Me as a young girl and being fascinated by the lessons the author shared. Now I wonder, what if children of privilege had a chance to become their peers in poverty and adults had a chance to become children in the public foster care system. What kind of transformation might take place?

Transformation happens when we broaden the dimension of our experience. Widening the scope of our personal lens leads us beyond our immediate comfort zone. It brings us into contact with a larger extended family of human beings and gives us a richer sense of connection and belonging.

Being a foster/adoptive parent has definitely expanded the dimension of my experience. My old notions of family have been replaced. What I once thought of as my family has broadened to embrace our daughter’s entire first family – parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins as well as great aunts and uncles. We have tweaked the definition of family and re-designed our framework for connection. Family ties mean something new and different.

We experience a larger embrace. One that feels honorable and right. I remember one evening when my daughter and I spent time with her birthmother and little sister. That night as she sat between her mother’s legs on a pink ball, having her hair braided, I sat on the couch with my feet on the coffee table. Her 4 year old sister was painting my toenails. Everyone was happy: the two mothers who both deeply love their daughter and two young sisters who were laughing and watching Dora the Explorer.

As I watched my toes being painted with what looked like a customized silver, pink, and purple concoction, I felt immense gratitude for this new family of mine. If someone had told me ten years ago that my daughter and her relatives were going to be in my life, I would have thought you were mistaken. Now, I can’t imagine it any other way. It’s healthy for my daughter to know us all together as a unit of caring family members, each with a place of honor and a different role and responsibility. It enhances her well-being. It gives her strength. Making friends with the reality of our complex blended family gives us all strength.

I’ll never forget the day she came home from school and said, “Mama, today one of my teachers asked me who my closest living relative is. I told her Mommy. She said, “No. I mean your adoptive parents.” I told her my tummy mommy is my closest living relative. She didn’t understand.” “That’s OK,” I responded. “You are teaching your teacher something new. She probably didn’t know that first families and adoptive families often share their lives. I’m really proud of you for teaching her that because Mommy is your closest living relative.” How empowering for a second grader who knows whose who in her family orchard!

Stretching past our immediate circle of people, knowledge, and experiences. Opening our arms to offer a larger embrace. We all benefit. We all rise.

What Will Happen If We Don’t Re-Envision Foster Care in America ??!

This is the question I asked myself when I first became a foster parent and was introduced to the everyday realities of the foster care system. When I entered the world of child welfare and looked carefully at the dismal outcomes for children who had experienced foster care, it was evident that there is a heavy price to pay for idly standing by and allowing our most vulnerable children to remain invisible. The children are taking a direct hit. Families and communities are greatly impacted as well.

Recently I read an interview with William Bell in the Casey Family Services’ newsletter VOICES. In it Mr. Bell, President and CEO of Casey Family Programs, said, “ If nothing changes in our child welfare system between now and the year 2020 nearly 14 million children will be confirmed as victims of child abuse or neglect. If nothing changes over this same period, approximately 9 million new children will enter the foster care system in America. Approximately 300,000 children will “age out” of the foster care system with the majority not adequately prepared for adulthood. But the most shocking factor is that if nothing changes with the child welfare system between now and the year 2020, approximately 22,500 children will die from child abuse or neglect in this country. Most of these children will die before their fifth birthday.”

That is the reality our children face. You and I have the knowledge and the power to reduce those numbers dramatically. All we need to do is begin engaging in our own backyard. It’s that simple. Support an existing program, create a new one, begin to care. Reach out to those around you. Bless them, weave innovative new safety nets under them, strengthen them. Our children are voiceless and powerless. They do not vote. They count on the responsible adults in their communities to do the right thing. Let’s show them that we consider them worthy and valuable. Begin your re-envisioning process today!

Taking the Lid off the Foster Care Box

In the fall of 1998 my husband handed me a newspaper article about a five-month old baby boy who had been kidnapped from his foster home while taking a nap. That story was a catalyst for us. We called the Department of Social Services the next day and signed up to become foster parents.

The experience has been simply amazing. I have gained so much respect for children who have been removed from their homes and placed in foster care. I have gained important insights into our regional and national foster care systems.

More importantly, I have also learned that children who experience foster care need us, all responsible adults in this country, to care enough about them to be in their lives every day, not just in times of crisis. They need us to be pro-active, innovative, and available.

Foster care in this country has become an abyss where 800,000 children have been involuntarily placed. Once in the abyss, they become members of a stigmatized club. A club whose members lack any specific identity until something goes wrong. Then the public rises up in anger, demanding that heads roll, and that the local child welfare agency who is legally responsible for the child pay in some way.

This is where we need to push the re-play button and take the time to go back and re-think the way we are caring for our most vulnerable children. We can do this differently. We can step up to the plate, become involved, disband the club, and begin granting children in foster care the dignity and respect they deserve.

First we can stop seeing them as “foster kids” – a mass of children who are quite simply all the same and whose lives are not important enough to invest in. We can begin to think and talk about them as children. Our children. We can begin to turn around and reach out to them with compassion and humanity. We can make them visible and worthy of our time, investment and involvement – as mentors, philanthropists, program advisors, and interested community members.

800,000 children… Many live in a world where danger lurks. We must stand up on their behalf, become visible heroes, and full time child advocates because they have no power and no voice. They need us to build exciting new programs, compelling safety nets, and vibrant communities of caring around them. They need us to fund our state child welfare agencies at optimum levels. We, as a nation, have been willing for far too long to take from our weakest when times get hard and turn our backs on children in need. We can change this. We have already begun.

I encourage everyone to reach out and become actively involved in your own way. Let us create a new world for kids who experience foster care – a world where people all across this country care enough to be connected every single day. A world where no child is put in the position of bouncing from through a system without enduring family relationships and community connections. Imagine what a difference it will make – individually, locally, regionally, and nationally.

Creating New Realities

Today in America there are 800,000 children experiencing foster care. One third of our youth will never return home and never be adopted. Many will spend their childhoods bouncing through the public foster care system and at the age of 18 will launch out into the world without any enduring family or community connections. We all know what happens next…

Why is America stuck here? What keeps us from using our common sense and humanity? What prevents us from choosing to do the right thing?

The answer: Because almost everyone is looking around and responding to what they see. We are focused on today’s foster care reality. We learn our facts from the media and believe that there are only two ways we can help:

· Become a foster parent

· Adopt a child from the public foster care system.

For most people this is too much to ask. They walk away. In those moments our children lose thousands of potential resources – people who would be happy to step up to the plate if only there was a menu of compelling engagement options from which they could choose. We have begun to design this menu in our area of the country and it’s working – lives are being enriched, interesting collaborations are being formed, lasting family connections are being made, and more people are volunteering to participate in our programs.

Take a look at the faces of the children in our Photo Gallery! You’ll see faces filled with joy. There’s a lot more work to do but we have begun and we are delighted that you are willing to think outside the foster care box with us.

Best Regards,
Judy Cockerton